


So Much Left to Learn

by bjfic_archivist



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Canon, Drama, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-08-26
Updated: 2004-11-10
Packaged: 2018-12-26 17:26:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 29,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12063660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bjfic_archivist/pseuds/bjfic_archivist
Summary: If youâ€™re lost come to Liberty Ave. and find out who you are or who you could be, which was exactly what one boy was trying to do.  Hidden among the throngs of people one young man was searching for something, something that mattered.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from IrishCaelan, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Brian_Justin_Fanfiction_Archive). To preserve the archive, I began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in September 2017. I posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact me using the e-mail address on [The Brian/Justin Fanfiction Archive collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/bjfic/profile).

It was Friday night --or Saturday morning, depending on how one looked at it-- on Liberty Ave. and every queer within a twenty-mile radius could be found mingling through the streets or at a club. At first glance one would assume that it was Halloween, but a veteran of the avenue would know differently. Men dressed in skirts and wigs, dykes dressed in leather and chains, streamers and ribbons adorned lampposts. All of it gave the street its appeal; its sense of home. If you’re lost come to Liberty Ave. and find out who you are or who you could be, which was exactly what one boy was trying to do. Hidden among the throngs of people one young man was searching for something, something that mattered.

Currently, he was tucked away in the back booth of the Liberty Diner, nursing the remains of a water and absentmindedly counting the money that lay in front of him. He was tired, hadn’t slept in days, which was obvious if you managed to catch a glimpse into his eyes; a fact that hadn’t escaped the portly woman behind the diners counter. She had been there all night and knew everyone that entered the diner, but he was new, a virgin to Liberty Ave. and to her. 

“Hey, kid,” said the red haired woman, nudging the boy lightly. “Do you need anything else?” The blonde had been there for more than a few hours and had been drinking nothing but free waters. Normally, she would have told him a long time ago that the space was needed for actual customers, but at this late hour she didn’t have the heart. The only people left in the diner were hustlers and tweaked out club kids with the munchies, anyway. She discerned from his disheveled appearance that he wasn’t a club kid, and although he didn’t fit the part she hadn’t pushed the hustler idea out of her head, yet. She was an expert when it came to hustlers having seen so many in her lifetime.

“Just another water, please,” he said, his voice tired and worn.

“The names Debbie,” She answered even though he hadn’t asked. “Debbie Novotny. What’s yours?”

The blonde looked up at her and smiled, a weak smile, “Justin Taylor.”

“Well, Justin, you look like you could use something more than all that water you’ve been consuming. How about you eat something?”

“I’m fine,” He answered as he looked longingly at the crumpled dollars and meager change that lie in front of him.

“I don’t mean to be a pain, kid,” she chuckled softly before continuing, “Well, actually I do, but unless you order something I’m not gonna have to kick ya out.” She reached out and rubbed his shoulder lightly.

“Okay, I’ll take a donut and a water.”

“Coming right up.” She walked to the window and slid his order onto the carousel. Turning back around she could see him straightening out his small amount of money on the table and it instantly pulled at her heartstrings. She didn’t know how kids did it these days; leaving home with no prospects. He couldn’t be more than 17, but she knew instantly that he was more mature than his years. Hell, he was probably more mature and had more life experience than a lot of people she knew. Her thoughts were broken into by the ding of the bell and the sound of a plate being slid onto the ledge. She reached over and picked it up making sure to grab his water on her way.

“Hamburger and fries,” Debbie said placing the dish in front of the young man.

“I didn’t order…”

“Sorry, must have gotten the order wrong,” She said before giving him a wink. 

Then she was gone, off to wait on the next twink that had entered the building.


	2. So Much Left to Learn

Justin had finished eating the burger and fries that Debbie had brought him and was standing at the counter arguing with her about paying for the food.

“I really want to pay,” he stated emphatically shoving the wad of cash and change towards her.

“Listen up, Sunshine, quit busting my balls about this or you won’t be a happy camper.” 

Debbie ignored the cash that was lying on the counter and turned to take care of a few more orders. Justin, realizing that he had lost the battle, swept the change into his hand and shoved it into the pocket of his jeans. On his way out the door he bumped shoulders with a somewhat older man. 

“Sorry,” Justin apologized.

“Don’t worry about it,” the man replied giving him a slight smile. He turned and watched the blonde kid leave, hugging his pullover tighter to his svelte frame. 

The older man took a seat at the diners counter and waited to be ordered on.

“Michael!” the boisterous redhead called when she realized who was sitting in front of her.

“Hey, Ma.”

“So, where are the boys?”

“Babylon,” was his simple reply.

“Oh jesus, what’d he do now?”

“What’d who do?” Michael was on the defensive because he knew exactly who she was talking about.

“Who is it always? How many times have I told you that Brian is not good for you?”

His response was low but audible, “I don’t know if I can count that high.”

“Then when is it going to start sinking into that head of yours?” She asked tapping his head for extra emphasis.

“So, that kid that just left,” Michael said changing the subject. “He looked beat.”

“Yeah,” Debbie sighed, “There was just something that was a little off about him.”

“Oh yeah, like what?”

“Like he’s been sitting here since 10 drinking nothing but water, and he only ate when I got his order wrong.”

“Ma, you never get anybodies….ohhhhh,” he answered the truth dawning on him. “I bet you didn’t let him pay either?” Michael looked at the clock which read a quarter after one.

“Of course,” she said, “I’m not an ogre.”

As if on cue the blonde entered the door of the diner, looking a little lost.

“Sunshine,” Debbie called, waving. He looked over at her and nodded his head then walked towards the booth where he was sitting before and grabbed the knapsack he had left there. He slung it over his shoulder and was just about to leave when something stopped him or should I say somebody.

“Mikey,” a tall brunette called from the diner entrance.

“Oh shit,” Debbie whispered.

“Hey Brian,” Michael answered not looking up from his food.

Brian looked down and saw the blonde in front of him. He took a step to the side to let him pass, but the kid didn’t move. Shrugging his shoulders Brian slipped past him and made his way towards the diner. Justin was amazed at what he saw, he never believed in Gods, until now. Swiftly, he shook his head and was on his way out to find someplace to sleep when he heard Debbie calling after him.


	3. So Much Left to Learn

“Justin, get your bubble butt over here.”

Justin turned and ambled over to the counter where Debbie was standing. Quietly, he watched her place a couple of lemon bars inside of a Styrofoam box. She closed the lid and held it out for him to take. He looked down at the floor and then at the box before shaking his head no, emphatically. 

“Debbie, thanks for offering, but you’ve already done so much. It wouldn’t be right.” He smiled at her, hoping that she would realize he didn’t want her pity.

“Come on, Sunshine. It’s the least I can do, until you’ve made a few bucks that is.” 

“Leave the kid alone, Deb. He probably wants to get back out on the streets before all the good tricks get taken. Am I right, Justin, was it?” 

Justin looked at the man standing next to him, the man he had almost ran into only a few seconds ago. He was well dressed in monochromatic black, leather jacket, Prada shoes, wife beater, and jeans. A man with lots of money, something that Justin didn’t have the liberty of enjoying. Earlier he may have been a God, but now he was coming off as a major prick.

“I’m no hustler, if that’s what you’re so kindly referring to,” he scoffed.

“Could’ve fooled me.”

“Well, fuck you very much. Thank you, Debbie, but no thanks,” Justin said as he left the diner and found himself back out on Liberty Ave. He looked down one street and then turned and looked down the other. He had no idea where he should go, but that didn’t frighten him. Actually, not much frightened him. He had lived like this--not knowing where his next bed would be or where his next meal would come from-- for a long time, and had become hardened to it. 

“Just pick a way,” he said aloud and turned left towards a dark alley. The young blonde rubbed his hands together and shoved them in his meager excuse for a coat before coughing deeply. 

“Hey, wait up.” Justin heard from behind him. He turned, not knowing why, and saw the shorter man from the diner running towards him. 

“Mikey, is it?” Justin asked his voice raspy.

“Michael, actually,” he answered shoving his hands into his coat. “Brian’s the only one that calls me that; just a silly nickname. Anyways, I wanted to say that you really should come back and get the lemon bars. I mean, there good when you’ve got nothing else to eat, and I do mean nothing else.”

“Like I said I don’t need them,” Justin answered, tired of being told what to do. These people, no matter how kind, didn’t know anything about what he needed. “Plus, I already ate at the insistence of the very peculiar, but nice, waitress.”

“Yeah, Ma can be very demanding when she wants to be.” 

Justin smiled and then laughed, “That’s your mother?”

“The one and only.”

“She’s really nice,” he said before covering his mouth to cough, doubling over from the force. This time it lasted longer, like the tickle in your throat that won’t go away. Quickly, Justin held up his hand in protest when he saw Michael leaning towards him to help. “It’s okay just allergies.” He’s not a very good liar.

“Shit, it’s fucking freezing. Come back into the diner and eat. We’ll figure something out for you.”

“I don’t want your pity, Michael. I can handle myself.” 

“If I were you I’d be a little less worried about pity and a little more worried about freezing my ass off.” Then he turned and made his way back into the diner where it was warm. Justin watched and then followed him, questioning himself the entire time. Then, for the third time in less than an hour he found himself inside of the Liberty Diner. He was sitting in the back corner of one of the booths, Michael across from him, Brian next to him. 

“So, if your not a hustler then what are you doing out so late?” Debbie asked sitting next to Michael. 

“Couldn’t sleep.”

“That’s a pissy answer if I ever heard one,” Deb murmured. “You got a place to sleep for the night?”

“Not yet,” Justin answered under his breath, “but I usually find one.” He had hoped the question wouldn’t be brought up, but wasn’t surprised to hear it. It was the reason he didn’t stay at one place for too long. People began to wonder and with his appearance it was the first question out of their mouths. 

“Then, you can stay with me and Vic,” Debbie boomed. She smiled at Justin but it quickly diminished when she saw the expression on his face. It wasn’t like she pitied the kid, but she also wasn’t going to let him freeze to death. 

“No, thank you,” Justin answered as he tried to stifle a cough.

“Teenagers,” Brian scoffed as Deb got up to serve the hustlers two booths down. After that the table fell into an awkward silence with Justin feeling the brunt of it. Fortunately, Brian’s cell phone began to ring, breaking through the quiet. 

“What?” he asked after looking at the caller ID. “Oh, shit. Yeah, I’ll be right there.” 

“Who was it?” Michael asked.

“Melanie,” Brian answered and that was all he needed to say before Michael was on his feet and wrapping his coat around himself. Michael called to his mother that it was time and then they both rushed to Brian’s jeep, leaving a perplexed Justin at the booth.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“You, a father, I just can’t believe it,” Michael said after they had reached the hospital.

“You and I both.”

The two boys rushed through the hospital corridors trying to find the room that Melanie had given him. Then they were there, which in Brian’s opinion was all too soon. He stood in the doorway watching as the sea of lesbians split, revealing his friend Lindsay, and her muff-diving husband, Melanie. Cradled lovingly in the crook of Lindsay’s arm was a beautiful baby boy, but what can you expect with genes like that? 

“You wanna hold him?” his friend asked gently caressing her son.

“What the hell,” Brian answered, cupping the back of his son’s head and holding him an arms length away. He smelled fresh like baby powder, and Brian was surprised that he actually liked that smell.

“Come on, Sonny boy, give your daddy a smile.” He stared down at the infant in his arms and smiled to himself. ‘Okay, so maybe being a dad isn’t such a shitty thing,’ he thought.

“We haven’t picked a name yet,” Lindsay told him after awhile of watching father and son bond. “Melanie wants to name him Abraham, but I like Gus.”

“I hate them both.”

“Brian!” Lindsay exclaimed laughing. 

“Gus,” he bellowed, “It’s a good butch name.” In agreement Gus softly lifted his hand and grazed his father’s cheek. Turning his head Brian smiled at Michael who had been taking pictures like a madman. Handing Gus gently back to his mother Brian looked incredulously at Michael and then nodded his head toward the door. 

“God, I’m a father,” Brian exclaimed after leaving the room. Taking a bag out of his pocket he offered the contents to Michael who declined. “The breeders have got to be hating that.”

“Brian, they don’t even know.”

“Well, then we’ll just have to make sure that they do.”

“Is that the reason you became a dad? To piss off straight people?”

“You’ve got something better?”

Michael’s response came out as a slight scoff under his breath. He had known Brian for more than half his life and the man had never changed. He was a total heterophobe. The duo turned the corner and found themselves in the waiting room by the nurses station. There were a couple of people resting in the chairs and one man pacing frantically up and down, but other than that the place was relatively quiet. Behind the desk two female nurses—both brown haired-- were jabbering on and on, but about what Michael couldn’t quite make out. He was a real gossip hound, just one of his many queeny attributes. Looking at Brian next to him he found his friend eyeing a particularly beefy male nurse down the corridor to their right. 

“Jesus, I thought you’d had enough at Babylon.”

“Mikey,” Brian countered, “There is no such thing as enough.”

“So, you’ve seen him, huh?” 

Mikey looked up and realized that a third nurse—a petite blonde-- had joined in on the festivities. 

“Isn’t he the cutest?” one of the blonde girls asked.

“He has the most adorable blue eyes, and the hottest smile. It’s just too bad we’re not his type.” Then the trio giggled in unison.

“Girl talk,” Michael huffed and then turned to Brian telling him that they should go back and tell Lindsay goodbye. They both had to be to work in the morning, and Michael didn’t want to be late again because he overslept. 

“Lucky for him that waitress found him. Poor kid, never stood a chance with weather like this.” His ears perking at what he’d just heard Michael tugged on Brian’s arm, motioning him to stop. Brian turned and gave an inquisitive look, but Michael ignoring him walked up to the desk. Leaning on it he questioned the three girls about what they were talking about.

“Sorry girls, I couldn’t help but over hear your conversation,” he began, “and I was wondering if you could give me some more information about the kid you were talking about.”

“I’m sorry, but that’s privileged information,” one of the brunettes told him in a very WASPy manner. 

“Now, now, girls, why don’t you help my friend out?” 

Michael turned and saw that Brian was leaning on the counter, eyeing each girl in turn. He looked at Michael and then at the girls giving them his famous smile causing them to giggle like, well, schoolgirls. 

“We don’t know a lot,” the blonde said leaning closer to Brian licking her lips, “Just that he was found passed out on the street.”

“Which street?” Brian asked with a wink.

”Liberty Ave. in front of the diner,” she cooed.

“Thank you,” Brian answered pushing off the counter and heading back towards Lindsay’s room. Michael hesitated and then jogged to catch up with Brian. “Jesus Mikey, I’m gonna have to fuck non-stop for a week to get all that out of my system,” Brian said with a slight shiver. “What was all that about anyways?”

“That kid they found on Liberty Ave., you don’t think it’s Justin, do you?”

“What the fuck do I care? It’s probably just some tweaked out crystal queen.”

“I don’t know, they said that he was found by a waitress,” Michael whimpered. He definitely didn’t want what he was thinking to be true, but who else could’ve found him.

”If it was your dear old mother that found him, don’t you think she would have called us to let us know, or that…” Brian stopped walking and stared straight in front of him. Michael looked at his friend and then in the direction Brian was looking and he too became stunned. Down the corridor he could see a slightly over-weight woman with big red hair and gaudy jewelry hanging from every limb, “She’d be here trying to find us.”

“Ma?” Michael called as he rushed down the hall towards her. When he reached her he could tell that she was flustered and frantic, but relieved when she saw her only son standing in front of her.

“Michael,” she whimpered as she threw her arms around his shoulders for a tight embrace. Pulling back she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek and then turned her attention towards Brian.

“Ma,” Michael shouted bringing her attention back to him, “What are you doing here?”

“Oh honey,” Debbie sighed, “after you left I tried my best to convince Sunshine to come home and stay with me and your Uncle Vic, but the little bastard would have none of it. I was finishing my shift, taking out the trash, and who do I find passed out by the dumpster?”

“Justin,” Michael answered.

”The one and only. I didn’t even notice when he left, but there he was slumped against the bin like yesterday’s garbage.”

“I told you it was a tweaked out crystal queen,” Brian grunted. Michael threw him a look and he shut up.

“Is he okay?”

“I haven’t heard anything, but he didn’t look good.” Debbie started pacing and ringing her hands again. She didn’t know the kid well, but there was just something about him that pulled at her.

“It’s like ER, birth and death in the same episode.”

“Michael Charles Novotny, he is not going to die,” Debbie cried cuffing her son upside his head. She huffed and turned away from them, smiling only when she saw the doctor walking towards them.

“What’s up, Doc,” Brian drawled when the man got closer. He smiled at Brian and gave him a slight wink. Michael turned and shoved him in the arm. Brian looked at him and shrugged, then turned his attention back to what the doctor was saying.

“He’s going to be okay?” Debbie asked nervously.

“He’s going to be fine as long as he gets rest and the right foods. It’s just pneumonia, it’s not like he’s dying.”

“Pneumonia?” Brian asked, “fucking drama queen.”

“He’s also got severe sleep deprivation which explains why he passed out,” the doctor continued ignoring Brian’s remark. “The body isn’t designed to take that kind of beating especially when it’s fighting off illness. It’s good that he found people like you. The only problem is he doesn’t have insurance, so I can’t keep him here, but I can’t release him knowing that he doesn’t have anywhere to go.”

“We’ll take care of him,” Michael answered before his mother could open her mouth.


	4. So Much Left to Learn

He awoke --his eyes blurry from sleeping so long-- and had no recollection of the past night. Had he found somewhere to sleep? He wasn’t sure; couldn’t remember, but obviously he had. Slowly, he opened his eyes and saw sunlight all around him. Maybe he was in a park. He squinted his eyes trying to block out the rays and keep his head from throbbing. A sensation he had gotten quite used to waking up to. He didn’t know where he was, but that was also something he’d gotten quite used to. This time was different, though. There was just something not quite normal, but he couldn’t seem to put his finger on it. 

“Sunshine,” a voice next to him boomed, “You’re awake.”

Turning his head he saw the waitress from the diner sitting next to him. Then, the memories of the diner and of Michael and Brian came back to him. How had he gotten here, though? God, he didn’t even know where ‘here’ was.

“It’s stifling in here. I’ll go tell ‘em to turn the heat down.”

She was right about that. That’s what it was; that thing that was so different. He felt under his head, a pillow; on top of him, blankets. He was warm, a sensation that he was _not_ used to waking up to. Usually he would awake shivering, hugging himself for whatever warmth he could find. Sometimes, if he were in a big city he would curl up on the grates and feel the warm steam course through his body, and just when he was almost asleep the cops would come and scare him off to a dark alley. No, continuous heat was something he hadn’t felt in a long time.

“No,” Justin protested and grabbed Debbie’s arm, “I like the heat.”

“Oh, of course honey,” Debbie said sitting back down. 

“Where am I?”

“Allegheny General Hospital,” she replied scooting forward in her seat.

“Hospital?” Justin asked sitting up in bed, “I don’t do hospitals.” He pushed the covers off and looked down to see the paper-thin gown that was distributed upon admission. Scanning the room he saw his clothes neatly folded on a chair in the corner, and he scurried over trying to keep the back closed so as not to flash the older woman. 

“Sunshine, get your ass back in that bed.”

“What are you? My mother?” 

“Fair enough, but if you don’t get back in that bed then you’re going to wish I was.”

Justin grabbed his shirt off the top of the pile and held it out in front of him. “You washed my clothes?”

“Somebody had to,” Debbie replied.

“Thanks,” Justin said as he slid easily into his pants. Quickly, he grabbed his backpack and marched towards the door. Unlucky for him, Debbie beat him to it and slid between him and his escape.

“You’re sick, Justin.” Debbie’s voice was more harsh than indignant. “I can’t have you out in the cold with no shelter.”

Just then a knock sounded at the door and Debbie stepped aside to let whoever was there into the room. To Justin’s utter disappointment it was Michael; just what he needed the offspring of Nurse Nightingale. 

“Rise and shine,” he called stepping into the room. He looked at his mother and then at the kid and saw that he had obviously entered at the wrong time. “Oookay, I’m just gonna go this way.” He walked back to the door and was stopped by a well-decorated hand. 

“Not so fast there, kiddo. You’re gonna help me convince Sunshine here that he’s not going back out on the street.”

“Who’s gonna convince who about what now?” Brian asked at the door.

“Justin wants to leave the hospital and go back to the streets,” Michael filled him in.

“And the problem lies…?”

“The problem is,” Debbie’s shrill voice rang out, “he’s a sick kid and I don’t want him out there so he can pass out again. Who would find him then?”

“I passed out?” Justin asked vaguely remembering leaving the diner. 

“Ma found you lying against the dumpster behind the diner. You were in pretty bad shape. They said that you have pneumonia.”

“Oh,” Justin said slumping onto the bed. He had known that he was sick, but he figured it was just a cold and would go away; he didn’t know it was something serious. “That doesn’t mean it’s going to happen again, though. Plus, if I stay here, it’s going to cost a fortune. If it doesn’t already. How am I going to pay for all this?”

Justin looked at Debbie and she could see that he was actually scared. Maybe of being sick, maybe of trying to pay for something he knew he wouldn’t be able to afford. When you’re a kid you always hear about not paying for a bill at a restaurant and them making you wash dishes, but what would you do at a hospital? Scrub bedpans? Debbie turned and looked at Michael and she saw him smile and knew they were thinking the same thing.

“Oh no, not happening,” Brian exclaimed when he saw Debbie and Michael looking at him.

“Come on Brian,” Michael whined approaching his friend. “Help him out.” Brian turned his head knowing he couldn’t resist Mikey when he got this way. Those big puppy dog eyes that he knew just when to break out. They were really what had attracted Brian to him in the first place. He had looked like such a chump, a loner, and Brian had liked that. He didn’t like being in the ‘in-crowd’ and he knew with Mikey he wouldn’t have to deal with all that shit. Not that the friendship was a farce; he really liked having someone around to counteract his cynicism. 

“Fine,” Brian caved.

“No way!” Justin yelled jumping to his feet. “I’m not letting you pay for this.”

“Well, we don’t have much of a choice now, do we? You think I wanna fork over my hard earned money because you had a drama queen moment and passed out in the fucking street?”

“I don’t care what you do or don’t want to do. You’re not paying and that’s final. I don’t want your charity.” Justin folded his arms across his chest and gave a little huff.

“Fine, but I don’t know what else you’re going to do. Money doesn’t grow on trees you know.”

“Actually,” Justin interjected, “it does because money is paper and paper is made from trees. So, technically money does grow on trees.” He couldn’t believe he actually said that. It sounded like something a prepubescent school girl would say.

“Jesus,” Debbie cried, “you two sound like a fucking married couple.”

“Excuse me!” Justin and Brian exclaimed in unison.

“Never mind,” Michael interrupted, “Justin, Brian’s right. You really don’t have much of a choice. Somebody has to pay and he has the money, so let him.”

“Fine,” Justin agreed after some thinking, “but I’m paying you back, and I don’t want to hear any of your shit about how long it’s taking me.”

“You’re fuckin’ right your paying me back. I don’t do charity.”

Justin looked at Debbie and then at Michael before barging through leaving the room. He walked determined down the hallway in a direction he hoped had been the right one because nobody wants to backtrack when you’ve got an attitude the size of Texas. Luckily, he was right and soon found himself in front of the desk to check out. Looking behind him he saw Debbie walking towards him between Brian and Michael. He hated to admit it, but Brian looked hot. He guessed that he looked like shit ran over twice. He waited and watched as Brian pulled out a credit card and handed it over to the blonde nurse with a slight smile. She was giddy with delight and winked at him before having him sign the receipt. Apparently, he had the same affect on females as he did on males; too bad he was such a fucking ass.

“Now that that is settled I’m going,” Justin told the trio as they exited the hospital.

“The hell you are,” Debbie bellowed. “I thought I made it clear back there that you’re not going back to the streets.”

“Jesus, you were serious about that shit?”

“As a heart attack, but we never decided what we were going to do with you.” Debbie turned and looked at her son, smiling slightly.

“You think I’m going to take him in? I think the apartment is full enough with Emmett and Ben there,” Michael countered.

“You were the one that piped up in the first place.”

“Oh, like you weren’t going to. I figured I’d score major points by agreeing to help with him. I didn’t know that I’d be gaining another roommate.”

“Well, if he can’t stay with you then where’s he going to stay?”

Brian looked around and saw that again all eyes were on him, “The fuck if he’s staying with me. I paid for the little twat. Now you can play happy homemaker and take care of him.”

“I never said a word.” Debbie retorted. “I was going to suggest he stay with Vic and I.”

“Will you people please stop talking like I’m not here?” Justin asked. “I’ll be fine staying at Deb’s as long as there’s room for me.”

“You can stay in my old room,” Michael piped up, “Although, I don’t want you touching or ruining anything.”

“Fine,” Justin agreed.

“I don’t want to come home and find all my action figures shoved in a corner, or my pictures taken down. And don’t even think about touching my comics. I still have boxes of them in my closet.”

“I said fine,” Justin retorted, “Jesus.”

“Don’t forget about Patrick Swayze, Michael,” Brian scoffed, “The kid might ruin our most prized possession.”

Justin laughed not knowing what he was referring to, “I won’t jack off on your duvet if that’s what you mean.”

“I think you two already accomplished the ruining part a long time ago. I’m surprised it still opens.”

“Mom!” Michael cried embarrassed.

After everything was finally settled, Brian went and got the jeep while the other three waited. Justin didn’t know what he’d gotten himself into with these people. He’d never stuck around with anybody; he didn’t like relationships all they did was tie you down, and he didn’t want to be tied down. 

‘It won’t be for long,’ he reminded himself. ‘I’ll get out of here soon.’

* * *

Okay, I know Ben wasn't around this early but I like him, alright...I'm taking writers liberty and including him in the story. Thanks CuJo for all your help..you're the bestest.


	5. So Much Left to Learn

Almost a whole week had passed since Justin awoke in the hospital. He honestly hadn’t meant to stay around for so long, but the first couple of days passed without him even realizing it. The bed was so warm and he liked having meals prepared for him. Plus, he liked Vic’s company. The man didn’t talk about much, but when he did you listened because it was something important. Michael had even been stopping by to check on Justin, and sometimes he brought Ben with him. He liked Ben for the most part except when he would hound Justin about school and if he was going. He _was_ a professor after all. The problem was he was beginning to feel too comfortable. 

“Justin?” 

“Hmm…?” He looked up and saw Deb and Vic staring at him.

“You looked a thousand miles a way,” Vic said. 

“Just thinking,” He replied and then began to pick at the food on his plate. Not really eating it, but leafing through it like he was trying to find something that wasn’t there. It wasn’t long before he let his mind wander again.

“You have any plans today?” Vic asked after the table was clear. 

“Of course he does,” Deb answered for him. “He’s going to stay here and rest.”

“The fuck?” Justin asked. “I actually thought I’d get out and get some fresh air.”

He looked at Deb and saw she was about to start in on one of her tirades on how he should be resting and taking care of himself, but then he saw Vic giving her the eye and she closed her mouth. Justin huffed and then pushed himself away from the table. He walked up the stairs to Michael’s room –yes, Michael’s—and began to repack his bag. He wasn’t going to wait any longer. He’d stayed here long enough.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

That night after Deb had left for the late night shift at the diner, Justin snuck downstairs, past a sleeping Vic, and towards the door. He jumped when he heard the faint creak come from the ancient wood, but seeing that Vic didn’t stir he opened it a little wider and snuck outside. The cold air hit him like a thousand knives. Even though he was wearing one of Michael’s old jackets instead of his pullover, it still didn’t stop the wind very well. Back on the streets Justin was again faced with the same predicament. Where did he go from here? 

‘I could go back inside,’ he told himself but then quickly pushed that idea out of his head. Instead he walked towards Liberty Avenue, making sure to stay a particularly good distance away from the diner. Debbie seemed nice, but Justin was never sure when he would see the pit bull side of her that Michael had so many times warned him about. It wasn’t long before he found himself in a rather dodgy end of town. The streetlights kept flickering and at one point Justin feared he would find himself in total darkness. He walked alongside a building, his hand gliding along the rough brick. He reached the front of the building and felt his hand slide across a sheet of metal. Stopping he looked up and saw that it was an old factory. Grabbing the icy handle on the door Justin yanked until it sprang open. He was immediately overtaken by the stale air and coughed hardily. 

Inside of the condemned building it was only a little warmer than the night air, but at least there were four walls and a roof over his head. He waited until his eyes adjusted to the darkness and then surveyed his surroundings. There wasn’t much to the place only a small bathroom that was locked. The rest was wide-open space with a few remnants of cardboard and steel beams that stuck out of the concrete floor. Justin yawned and then slid down the wall landing with a thud on the floor. He pulled his legs towards his chest and thought about where he’d go next. He’d been everywhere that he’d always dreamed of and some that he hadn’t.

“Maybe I’ll go back to Los Angeles.” Justin said aloud his quiet voice echoing off the walls. He didn’t know why but he preferred to talk to himself when he was alone. Los Angeles was a possibility; he had made some pretty good connections while he was there, and maybe he could even find the last place he squatted. 

“No, not L.A.” Justin decided after a flash of memory. He could still feel the queasiness in his stomach. “Maybe the mid-east this time. Fuck, I’ll think about it tomorrow,” He whispered as he laid his head on his pack and curled his body against the cold cement. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Where the hell could he have gone?” Deb asked a few days later. It had been a couple of nights since Justin had snuck out of the house. Deb was at the diner finishing her shift when Vic had come in and told her about their missing tenant. She figured he was a teenager and would eventually come back, but now she was really worried.

“Ma, settle down. You didn’t think that he’d stick around forever, did you?”

“Well,” she hesitated.

“He wasn’t a lost puppy.” Vic told her as he rubbed her arm. “He was going to leave as soon as he was better anyways.”

“But that’s the thing. He’s not better and he’s out there all alone.” 

They couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. She had grown quite attached to Justin over the few days that he had stayed with her. The trio was in such deep thought over the situation, they didn’t notice when Brian joined them at the table.

“Coffee, please.” 

“I’m not working.” Deb replied gruffly. “Kiki, get some coffee for Mr. Wonderful.”

“Touchy, touchy,” Brian countered as he took off his gray floor length coat and slid in next to Michael. “What’s your problem?”

“Justin’s missing.” Michael answered for his mother.

“So, the little foundling has disappeared. Sorry for your loss, Deb.” Brian replied sarcastically.

“You can be such an asshole.” Deb remarked as she stood up. “I’m going home. Maybe Sunshine will be back when I get there.”

“I wouldn’t count on it.” Michael told her, “He’s probably hitched a ride out of here by now.”

“We could only be so lucky.” Brian laughed.

Michael looked at Brian and then turned towards his mother, “If it’ll make you feel better Brian and I will look for Justin tonight.”

“No can do, Mikey; it’s Pecks of Death night at Babylon.” Brian grabbed the Styrofoam cup sitting in front of him and headed out the door with Michael following. 

“You could show a little sympathy.” he called.

“For who?”

“For Justin.”

“Listen, Mikey,” Brian stated turning around, “I’ve got a lot of things on my mind and none of them have or will have anything to do with that kid. If you want to search parts unknown for him then go right ahead, but I will be living it up at Babylon.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Babylon was Hollywood in a box, and Brian was the star. There wasn’t a soul that didn’t quiver with pleasure at the mere mention of Brian Kinney. That night was no different. He entered Babylon the same way he always did with his head held high and his ego even higher. He was Brian ‘Fucking’ Kinney and you were lucky to be near him let alone have him. The lights flashed and the confetti rang down and everyone knew he was there. His first stop was the bar for a beer, then the dance floor to find his perfect trick. Finally, he would go to the backroom where every queen, twink, stud, and bear would drop to their knees for him. 

“Anybody got any E?” Brian called after finishing with his latest trick. A dozen hands sprang out around him each holding a small bag. Brian grabbed one and devoured its contents before he made his way back to the bar for another beer. He wasn’t surprised when Mikey strode up to him.

“Cut the search party short?”

“Didn’t really start.” Mikey answered ordering a beer.

“Good. Don’t waste your evening.”

“Actually, I was thinking that you and I could look together because…”

“I already told you,” Brian interrupted, “I’m not looking for him, okay.”

Michael smirked, “I guess he won’t have to pay you back then.”

“Pay me back? Shit, you’re right.” Brian realized. He had forgotten about the hospital bill already. 

“So, like I was saying, Ma heard from some hustlers that there’s a young kid holed up in an old building not far from here.”

“Fine,” Brian caved, “We’ll fetch the stray and then we’ll come back here so I can fuck my brains out.”

He set his beer on the bar and followed Mikey out the door. By now he was fully feeling the effects of the E he’d taken earlier so he let Mikey drive the jeep. He followed the road away from Babylon and almost fifteen minutes later slowly pulled over and shut off the engine. 

“Where the fuck are we?” Brian questioned.

“Hell if I know.”

Brian stumbled out of the car to the pavement and teetered over to Mikey, “Let’s find the kid now, shall we?”

Michael put his arm around Brian and they walked together down the darkened alley trying to find any building that looked accessible. The streetlights were dim giving the street an eerie feeling and Michael didn’t like it. He hoped they’d find the kid soon so they could get back to Babylon. Brian was beginning to lose his pleasant demeanor and wanted badly to go back to Babylon, but Mikey was having none of it. He had promised his mom that he’d look for Justin and he wasn’t going to back out of that promise.

“What’s this, Mikey?” Brian asked staring up at a tall building. Michael surveyed the area and remembered when it was once the thriving steel industry. Leaving Brian he crept towards the building and wasn’t surprised when he found a metal door left slightly ajar. Motioning to Brian he snuck inside and was appalled at the smell inside.

“He in there?” Brian asked from outside.

“I don’t know.” Michael opened the door wider to let his friend inside and waited until their eyes had adjusted before he looked around. They didn’t need to look far before they heard a raspy voice from the corner of the vacant room.

“Who are you?”

“Sunshine, that you?” Brian slurred.

Justin coughed and rolled over looking to see who was there. Only one person called him Sunshine, but he knew that wasn’t who was standing over him. 

“Brian?” Justin asked upon recognition of the face. 

“Jesus,” Michael gasped astonished at what he saw before him. Justin was beyond pale; he was almost transparent. It was obvious he hadn’t eaten in awhile or taken care of himself at all. And Michael guessed he was tweaked, but he couldn’t be sure. Looking down he saw that Justin had his backpack clutched tightly in his shaking hand, but the coat Michael had given him was nowhere in sight.

“You look like shit.” Justin laughed which turned into a long wheeze.

“I could say the same about you.” Brian came back with. “Trying to get out of paying me back?”

“I was going to send money to Deb’s,” Justin answered truthfully. “Listen, I don’t know why you’re here, but I can take care of myself.”

“You’ve done a bang up job so far.” Michael murmured. “You can’t even stand.” He knelt beside the boy and attempted to help him up, but was brushed off.

“I don’t need your help,” Justin sighed before propping himself on one elbow. By now the whole situation had sobered Brian and he was beginning to see the full extent of the boys needs. Quietly, he went over and took Justin’s arm and pulled him up. Wrapping his arm around the young man, Brian led him out to the jeep. Justin was too tired to fight with the man besides the fact that he wouldn’t win anyway. He let Brian lift him into the jeep and buckle him safely. The last thing he remembered before falling asleep were the piercing hazels eyes that stared into his.

* * *

Thanks again CJ for all your help


	6. So Much Left to Learn

Brian was engrossed in watching the sleepy blonde on his bed. After finding Justin, he had taken Mikey back to Babylon and then preceded home from there. He didn’t know why he hadn’t taken him straight to Deb’s. There was just something about the way he looked. It hadn’t felt right to drop him off like yesterday’s garbage. He was a beauty, though, tweaked out or not. He had these pouty lips that would make any man swoon and a pair of piercing blue eyes. Brian hadn’t been quite sure why Deb called him Sunshine at first, but now he knew it was because --even sleeping-- he could light up a room.

Justin stirred and whimpered interrupting Brian’s thoughts. He looked down at the still sleeping kid and gently placed a hand on his arm. He quieted and Brian swore he saw a hint of a smile on Justin’s face. After making sure that Justin was covered with the duvet, Brian went to the living room and looked out the picture window. It was morning now, but the sun hadn’t even begun to rise, and Brian hadn’t slept at all. Hearing Justin thrashing in the bed again he immediately went over and placed his hand on the boy’s forehead. The poor kid was burning up so, Brian went into the bathroom and wrung out a washcloth before placing it on Justin’s brow. Realizing how tired he really was, Brian quietly slipped underneath the duvet and slowly drifted off. 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Shit.” Justin whispered sitting up in bed. He looked around and saw that he was in a very well decorated loft, he assumed Brian’s loft. After slipping out from underneath the navy blue sheets, he ambled into the bathroom. He gripped onto the sides of the porcelain sink and stared into the mirror. His head was ringing, but he looked much worse than he felt. 

“Morning, Sunshine.”

Justin turned sharply and winced from the pain. He saw Brian standing in the doorway one arm propped against the door jam. Justin gasped at the sight of the man; he hadn’t expected him to be home, but he also didn’t know what time it was.

“I should leave.” Justin murmured as he staggered towards the bedroom clutching his side. 

“You should get back to bed.” Brian ordered. He walked over to Justin and helped the boy get into bed making sure to stay away from his bruised ribs. “You have a problem with people wanting to help you, don’t you?”

“I’m not used to it, that’s all.”

“Well, start getting used to it because you’ve got a lot of people worried about you.” 

Justin stared at Brian trying to read his expression. He couldn’t tell if Brian was talking about himself or the Novotny family. 

“Why don’t you tell me what happened out there?”

Justin cringed remembering the past couple of nights. “I really don’t want to talk about it.”

“You will.” Brian said before leaving the kid alone.

“Brian,” Justin called from the bedroom. “What time is it?”

“It’s late, Sunshine. Go to sleep.” Brian loosened the tie around his neck and opened the refrigerator door. Brian couldn’t get it out of his head that it was nearly seven at night and Justin had been sleeping this whole time. Maybe he should have stayed at the hospital to get better, but he was here now and Brian was going to make sure that he got well. Hearing a rap on the loft door, Brian grabbed a bottle of water, went over to the entrance and opened it after the third knock.

“What?”

“How’s Justin?” Michael asked.

“He’s sleeping. I think he’s doing just fine.” Brian assured his friend. He offered Mikey a bottled water and led him into the loft.

“You taking him back to Ma’s?”

“No,” Brian grunted.

“No?”

“That’s what I said.”

“Then what are you going to do with him?”

Brian glanced towards his bedroom at the blonde head lying softly on the pillow. “He’s staying right here.”

“What?”

“I want to keep an eye on him. I don’t want him running off again before he pays me back.”

Michael watched his best friend and wasn’t sure if he was lying or not. “I think you like Justin.”

“Sunshine? He’s just a punk kid besides I’m no chicken hawk.”

Michael laughed knowing that wasn’t true. “Why don’t I believe you?”

“I don’t know, Mikey. You’ll have to figure that one out for yourself.” Brian turned and opened the loft door. “Sorry Mikey, but I’ve got lots of work to get to. You understand, don’t you?”

“I’m the only one that could.” Michael laughed and walked out the door hearing the loud slam as Brian shut it behind him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“What the fuck?” Brian yelled sitting up in bed. He looked next to him and saw that Justin wasn’t there. “Little fucker.” He crawled out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans. It was still dark outside; Brian guessed it couldn’t be any later than three. He reached for his jacket on the chair when he heard a noise like a slight rustle.

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” Justin murmured from the couch.

“You didn’t.” Brian reassured the young kid. “It’s late, what are you doing up?”

“I’ve been sleeping all day.” Justin smiled. Brian smiled back; he couldn’t help it.

“Wanna tell me what happened?” Brian motioned to where Justin was gingerly clutching his side.

“Some guys didn’t like the fact that I had a coat.” Justin answered uneasily. 

“Plural.”

“Huh?” Justin asked perplexed.

“You said guys as in more than one.”

“Oh,” he hadn’t realized. “Three.”

“How are three guys going to share one coat?” Brian joked.

“Got me.”

“I’ll get you a new one tomorrow,” Brian sighed, “But until then come back to bed where it’s warm.”

“Do you always do your best talking in bed?”

“If you only knew.” Brian whispered as he made his way back to the room. “If you only knew.”

Justin followed him back to the bed and crawled underneath the warm blankets. He could easily get used to this. Sighing, he turned over and found those deep hazel eyes staring into his.

“So, tell me where are you running from?”

“Who says I’m running?”

“Well, the way you easily gave up a nice stay at Deb’s to live in a cold, dank, warehouse would suggest you’re running.”

“Well,” Justin yawned. He might as well tell that part at least, “There really isn’t one place, but if you must know, New York.”

Brian laughed. “Nobody runs from New York, kid. Especially not from New York to the Pitts.”

Justin’s voice got distant and weary. “You would if you’d seen what I had.” 

The memories –or what he assumed were memories—flashed in his head, and he blinked trying to get rid of them. It worked this time, but they were always there hiding just over the horizon for the next time he was caught off guard. ‘It’s funny,’ Justin thought before falling asleep, ‘when I started out on this quest I was trying to get rid of my nightmares. I didn’t realize that I’d only add to them.’

* * *

As always thanks to CuJo


	7. So Much Left to Learn

_Authors note: Thanks to my beta CJ!!!!!_

* * *

Justin sat on the white Italian leather couch and stared out the window in front of him—it was his routine by now. He’d awaken—sometimes with Brian—take a shower, grab a cup of coffee, and sit in front of the window. Brian had tried to get him to leave the loft after the first couple of days, but he eventually gave up and told himself the boy would get out when he wanted. Justin never told him that he wouldn’t leave because he was afraid of not being allowed back in. That’d happened to him before, he’d gone out for something (coffee, milk, he couldn’t remember) and when he’d come back he wasn’t allowed inside. As much as he griped about not wanting to have any ties to people he just couldn’t bring himself to leave. So, Justin sat in front of the window and thought about what he’d do if he left. Where he’d be if he weren’t here.

“What are you thinking about?” Brian asked him one day after coming home to find him in exactly the same position he left him in.

Justin scoffed he hated that question. “Just things, I guess.” He hadn’t wanted to discuss what was on his mind with Brian because he was worried that he’d be pushed away. He had been thinking about waking up. He had woken up so many times not knowing where he was or who was lying next to him. Being at Brian’s, he hadn’t woken up with the post-tweak hangover that he was so accustomed to and he liked that. He liked knowing where he was and that the person next to him knew he was there, too. It was a feeling of comfort, of safety, and one he didn’t want to take lightly because he didn’t know when it’d go away. Some would call that being jaded, but Justin preferred to call it ‘being practical’. Of course, Justin knew that Brian didn’t believe in love, didn’t believe in relationships, only in fucking. He had found that out when Brian had come home from Babylon with a different guy on his arm three nights in a row. That was one thing that they had in common, and if Justin had any say in it would continue to be. 

 

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For reasons unknown to him, Brian had become quite worried about Justin and decided to check with the only person he knew that could help remedy this situation. Which was how he had come to find himself at Lindsay’s. He filled her in on what had been going on for the past couple of days and wasn’t a bit surprised to see her reaction to his young ward’s age. After getting over that fact, she immediately focused in on the problem at hand.

“It’s been how many days and he still hasn’t left the loft?” Lindsay asked during lunch.

“Four maybe five.” Brian responded not taking his eyes away from his son.

“That’s not good, Bri.”

“Ya think. I was hoping that you could help me figure out a way to get him out of there.”

“He should be in school or working.” Melanie lectured. “How’s he going to pay you back if he doesn’t have a job? That _is_ the reason you’re letting him stay with you, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” Brian snapped as he stuck out his tongue.

“That’s an excellent idea. Maybe you could find him something at the firm, Mel.

“Sorry Linds, we only hire interns or graduates. He’s a bit too young for us.” She eyed Brian as she grabbed her briefcase. “Too bad other people don’t feel that way.”

“He’s just living with me until he pays me back.” Brian answered exasperated. “But I agree that he needs to be in school at least, and he’ll definitely be getting a job.”

Brian thanked Lindsay for lunch and then gave his son a quick kiss before bolting out the door. He hated spending too much time with the merry munchers. Deciding to forgo a trip back to the office, Brian picked up some food at the diner and then made his way home. When he unlocked the loft door, Brian found Justin in his normal spot. 

“How are you feeling?” He asked, but was unanswered. He set the bags on the counter and made his way to the couch. He looked at Justin and saw that he was deep in thought. Over what he didn’t know, but it was an expression he’d seen before. Justin looked at him and then sighed, he knew what Brian was going to say and had prepared himself everyday for the inevitable. His voice was distant and unattached. 

“Can I just stay tonight? I’ll leave tomorrow before you wake up and get a fresh start. It’s always better to leave in the light. I learned that the hard way.” 

“What?”

“That’s what you wanted to talk about, isn’t it? That I’ve over stayed my welcome.”

“God.” Brian groaned. “No, that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I told you before that you’re staying here until you pay me back. What I was going to say is you can’t pay me back if you aren’t working. I think you should get a job.”

“A job?”

“Yeah, one of those things where they pay you to work.” Brian smirked.

“I know what it is.” Justin smiled relieved that that was all the man wanted to talk about. 

“And I want you to enroll in school.”

“Fuck that.” Justin groaned. “I don’t need school. It’s not like I’m going to college.”

“You need to graduate, if not to go to college then to get a good job.” Brian sneered. “Nobody is going to hire a high school dropout.”

“What the hell is with everyone and school?” Justin exclaimed. “Why do you care? You’re always saying I’m here until I pay you back so, what’s it to you if I don’t get a good education?”

Brian sighed. “Just try it for a while. As long as you’re here I want you to at least attempt to be something other than a couch potato.” 

Justin thought long and hard about the circumstances. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to pay Brian back without a job, that part he wasn’t protesting, but going to school? It’d been awhile and frankly, he didn’t know if he had what it took to go back. To deal with faces, the sneers, the whispers in the halls. 

“Brian, I can’t even remember…” Justin paused knowing that if he continued down that road the questions that inexorably followed wouldn’t be to his liking. He looked at the older man in front of him. ‘Can I trust him?’ Justin wasn’t sure about that, but he was sure that Brian trusted him in some way. He let Justin live at the loft when he didn’t even know him. That had to mean something, didn’t it? “Fine, I give. Enroll me into high school hell. It doesn’t matter anyways.”

“Good, I’ll have Cynthia set everything up for you. Now, about a job.”

“I can get that my own self, thanks.” Justin mumbled. “Can we just...get out of here. We can meet Michael at Woody’s.” Justin stood up and made his way to the bedroom and grabbed the new leather coat Brian had bought him from the closet. Though he wasn’t sure if it was the best idea, Brian followed Justin to the jeep. 

Woody’s was filled to capacity just like every other night. When Brian and Justin walked in, an excited Michael immediately bombarded them. 

“You finally got the twink out of your abode and into the land of living.” Michael grinned. “It’s about damn time.”

“The guys are waiting.” Brian said pointing towards one of the pool tables. Justin followed Brian and Michael as they made their way to the back. He smiled softly as a campy Emmett pounced on him.

“Oh baby, you are just so cute. I was beginning to believe that you were a figment of Michael’s over abundant comic book imagination.”

“I’m real.” Justin assured him softly. When he looked around, he saw that the whole gang was there. He already knew Ben and Michael and of course Brian. He assumed that the man latched onto his arm was Emmett, which meant that Ted was the not so well dressed man in the corner. They were all looking in his direction and he was sure that they all knew his story, well, part of it anyways.

“Come on, Emmett.” Ben sighed. “Give the poor boy some breathing room.” Emmett huffed and then detached himself from Justin, going back to his spot by Ted.

“I’m going to get a drink.” Justin told the group after a half hour of pool watching. He weaved through the sea of people and found himself at the bar. “Double beam.” The man looked at him skeptically and Justin rolled his eyes as he reached into his wallet and pulled out his fake ID. The bartender looked at it closely before handing it and the beam to him. He downed it in one gulp and then asked for another. After his third, he decided to switch to a beer. He turned to go back to the group when he heard a scratchy voice in his ear.

“Going somewhere?”

“To play some pool.” Justin slurred.

“I know a very good game that we could play.” The voice was hoarse and reeked of vodka and cigars, a smell that made Justin’s skin crawl. His mind flashed back to times he thought he had buried.

_“Take this hit and it’ll make everything all better,” a voice hissed. “I promise.”_

_Justin looked at Derek, his older squat mate and shook his head no. He didn’t want to take anything this man had to offer. It was enough that he shared a room with the man, but he wasn’t about to share his drugs._

_Derek took a swig from the Popov container and smiled when he felt the burn as it slid down his throat. His voice lowered as he held out the needle to Justin. “Don’t you trust me?”_

“Don’t touch me.” Justin growled as he pushed the guy away from him. He could feel the usual tension in his throat and knew that if he didn’t make it to the bathroom, he was going to make a mess all over the floor.

_“It’s not that.” Justin lied. He didn’t trust the older the man, not because he didn’t want to but because he found it hard to trust anybody. “I’m just allergic to a lot of things.”_

_“Nobody’s allergic to this.” Derek squinted through his drunken haze. “This is just what the doctor ordered.”_

After he made it to the bathroom, Justin found himself huddled in the corner of the stall. He knew he shouldn’t have left the loft, but it was something that he’d wanted to do for a while. Nobody could have guessed that this would happen. Quietly, he sobbed in the corner of the stall trying to block the voice from his head. He hadn’t even realized that anyone else was in the room until he heard an unmistakable voice.

“Justin?”

“I’m in here.” He sniffed and kicked open the door.

“What are you doing in here?” Brian wondered.

“Hiding.” 

“Hiding from what?” The man was more confused than ever by the sight of the young kid. After he had noticed Justin’s absence, he had looked all around before deciding he was most likely taking a leak.

“Memories.” Justin stated blankly, wiping a tear from his cheek. Brian stared at Justin for what felt like an eternity before he pulled the trembling boy into his arms.


	8. So Much Left to Learn

_Authors note: Thanks to my beta CJ...without you B and J would say some pretty wierd stuff._

* * *

Two months had passed since Justin had found himself on Liberty Avenue. Sixty days since Brian had entered his life. Thirty days since he had found his job at the diner, and twenty-nine had passed since he had enrolled in school. Everyday he would walk to school with his trusty backpack wearing the clothes Brian had bought for him. Then when the final bell rang, he would make his way to the diner and work his ass off so that he could pay Brian back and get the hell out of Pittsburgh. The way Brian flippantly threw down his money though, Justin wasn’t sure that he would ever be able to pay the man back.

“I had an excellent year.” Brian stated when Justin demanded that he stop buying him things. Whether it was clothes or school supplies—mostly art—Brian was there with his credit card or ATM card or check book. It really grated on Justin’s nerves.

“But at the rate you’re going, I’ll never be able to pay you back.” 

“These are things that you need.” Brian told him. 

Though he was thankful for all the help Brian had given him with enrolling him in school, Justin didn’t want to be a kept boy. To be a kept boy though, you probably had to be sleeping with the person keeping you, and that was definitely not happening. No matter how hard Justin tried, Brian resisted. The sexual tension between the pair was undeniable and Justin hated every second of it.

“Justin.”

Brian’s voice broke through his thoughts bringing him back to the loft. He was sitting on the couch; his English folder lying open on his lap. “Hmm?”

“You have a tendency to let your mind wander.” Brian stated. “Must have been a good wandering though because you have a smile on that face of yours.”

“It was nothing.” Justin said shaking his head.

“What are you working on?” Brian changed the subject knowing the boy didn’t like to talk about his thoughts. They were a lot alike in that way --among other things-- Brian had discovered. 

“This” Justin held his notebook up letting Brian take it from him. “We’re supposed to analyze a Shakespeare sonnet. I don’t get this shit though with all the fucking thee’s, and thou’s, and stupid personifications.”

Brian scanned the notebook page and then settled on the couch next to Justin. He grabbed the pencil from behind Justin’s ear and handed it and the notebook to the blonde. 

“Okay, I want you to say the first two lines, but think about them as you’re saying them.”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.” Justin read flatly.

“Jesus, have more feeling than that.” Brian looked at Justin expectantly. 

“Are you seriously helping me with this? You? Of all people, the stud of Liberty Avenue is helping me read love sonnets. Isn’t that a sign of the apocalypse or wait, I’m in hell. That’s it I died and am now in hell.”

“You’re not in hell. I’m just the shit at this English stuff.”

“Okay, fine.” Justin caved. “Teach away.”

Brian scooted closer and pointed to each line as he spoke. “This first one is just saying exactly what it says. He wants to compare his love…albeit a woman… to something as equally beautiful. He chooses a summer’s day, but in the next line he says that…she…is even better than that.” Brian moved onto the next line and the next, but Justin had stopped paying attention and was looking longingly at him. He had never noticed the gold specks in Brian’s hazel eyes before, but he’d also never been this close. 

“Pay attention.” Brian insisted. “What do you think this line means?”

“But thy eternal summer shall not fade?” Justin questioned before thinking. “Shit Bri, I don’t know.”

“Think about it.”

“I guess that the person will always be young.” Justin looked at Brian who was staring back at him. 

He looked at Justin his voice low and rumbling. “So, everything after the first line is the comparison. Kind of like when Deb calls you Sunshine.” Brian stopped himself before he went too far. His eyes never left Justin’s and he could see the want that the young man was feeling. The same want that was inevitably in his, too. Clearing his throat he moved farther down the couch.

“So, you understand everything now?”

“Yeah, I think I get it.” Justin said looking down at the papers in front of him. He had never wanted to be so close to anyone before, and he knew Brian wanted him just as much. He closed the notebook and stood up disappointment written all over his face. 

“Fuck it.” Brian mumbled and grabbed Justin’s wrist pulling him onto his lap. Justin looked at Brian amazed, but then lost all thought as he felt Brian’s lips on his. He nudged Justin’s lips open with his tongue, which was eagerly accepted by the seventeen year old. A slight moan was solicited when the older man bit Justin’s lower lip. Justin ground his hips against Brian’s enormous erection knowing that he would soon have the brunette moaning, too. He reached down and unzipped the Prada pants grazing his hand over the head of Brian’s cock being careful to not break their kiss. His other hand expertly unbuttoned Brian’s silk shirt.

“Wait, wait, wait,” Brian breathed grabbing Justin’s hand. “We can’t do this.”

“What?” Justin exclaimed. He looked at Brian and saw that the man was serious. Hesitantly, Justin crawled off his lap and walked to the window. Feeling Brian’s arms on his shoulders, he frowned and pulled away. He grabbed his coat off the stool and then walked out the door.

“Shit.” Brian groaned when he heard the door slam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin had no idea where he was going when he left Brian’s, but when he found himself at Woody’s it seemed like a very good idea. Four shots of Jim Beam and three beers later he was ready to puke or fall over whichever came first.

“Hey Boy Wonder, you better slow down on those.” Michael advised sliding onto the stool next to Justin. 

“I don’t fucking care.” Justin pouted.

“I know that face. That’s the ‘Brian-Kinney-Just-Fucked-Me’ face.”

“Well, unfortunately he didn’t. Not in the way that I wanted at least.”

“Ouch.” Michael laughed ordering a beer. “Didn’t know things had headed in that direction for you.”

“Well, apparently Shakespeare has that affect on him.” Justin slurred as he downed another shot.

“Justin, I wasn’t kidding. A light-weight like you could get yourself in serious trouble.” Michael took the shot from Justin’s hand and set it on the bar.

“I don’t know why I convinced myself that moving in would be okay. I knew it was a bad idea from the start.” Justin said more to himself than to his companion. “Don’t trust anyone. That was a rule I had to make because people suck. Then, he says enroll in school, get a good education. Well, fuck that! I already had a good education.” He paused and then continued. “I think. Cynthia told me that she found out that I already took the SAT’s and that I got 1500. I laughed and told her of course I did, but I don’t remember taking the fucking test.” He laughed and then looked at Michael who had grown serious.

“You don’t remember taking it?’

Justin slipped his hand past Michael’s and grabbed the shot. “Don’t remember one fucking question. Apparently, I was quite the smarty thought because I’m in all the top classes in my school. They were quite surprised that I was there because they were under the impression that once you graduate you aren’t supposed to start over again.”

“What? You graduated?” Michael was more confused than ever and suspected the boy was also.

“So they tell me.” Justin went to stand and had to hold onto the bar to steady himself. 

“Whoa there, boy wonder.” Michael said grabbing hold of Justin’s arm. “Why don’t I take you home?”

Justin laughed. “What home? The loft? Fuck that! That’s not my home.” He grew maudlin. “I don’t have a home.” 

“Fine.” Michael said. “Then, I’ll take you back with me. We have a couch that you can sleep on.”

“Fuck no.” Justin answered making his way for the door. “Just take me to Brian’s.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After he opened the loft door, Brian immediately wanted to close it. The scene in front of him was unbelievable. Justin was leaning precariously on Mikey, one arm slung over his shoulder obviously plastered.

“Jesus,” Brian exclaimed. “You’re drunk.”

“Righto.” Justin giggled and then whispered not so quietly to Michael. “I wonder if he got 1500 on his SAT’s, too.”

Brian moved aside allowing Justin to stagger inside the loft and then turned to his friend. “Why the fuck didn’t you stop him?”

“You’re welcome.” Michael said sarcastically.

“Thanks. Why the fuck didn’t you stop him?’

“He was already working on his fifth shot by the time I got there. He was too far gone for me to do anything.”

”What’s he talking about; his SAT’s? He hasn’t even taken them yet.”

“You’d better ask him about that.” Michael advised. “Apparently, he’s already graduated.” Michael filled Brian in on what Justin had let slip during his drunken rant at Woody’s before he turned to go home.

“Go easy on him tomorrow, Bri.” Michael said concerned. “He’s going to have one hell of a hangover.”

Brian slammed the loft door closed and then made his way towards the bedroom.

“Hi, Sonny boy.” Justin slurred using Brian’s nickname for Gus.

“You’re gonna feel like shit tomorrow.”

“I’ve felt worse.” Justin told him.

“Get into bed.”

Brian walked over to Justin and helped him undress trying to press what had happened earlier out of his head. Justin hadn’t forgotten even though he had wanted too and pulled Brian towards him. Their lips met and tongues intertwined. In Justin’s current state, he didn’t know whose was whose. Brian broke the kiss and helped the blonde into bed knowing that he would need extra help tomorrow.

“You’d better get some sleep or I won’t be able to help you tomorrow.”

“You’re not going to help me.” Justin stated matter-of-factly.

“Is that so?”

“Well, I’ll let you help me as long as you promise one thing.”

“And what’s that?” Brian asked curiously.

Justin yawned and sleepily answered. “You have to promise to not fall in love with me.”


	9. So Much Left to Learn

_Authors note: Thanks much to my beta CJ for helping this chapter make a lot more sense._

* * *

Justin’s eyes fluttered open and a groan escaped as he rolled onto his back. ‘Maybe.’ He thought. ‘If I just lie here the room will stop spinning.’ No such luck. He suppressed the urge to throw up, but wasn’t too sure he would be able to do that again. When he got the nerve to sit up he saw that there was nobody else in the room, which made him wonder where Brian was. 

“He’s probably working.” Justin told himself as he crawled towards the bathroom, a pillow and blanket trailing behind him. After placing the pillow in front of the white toilet, Justin pulled the blanket over his shaking body and laid down. It wasn’t long before the heaves came again. This time he wasn’t able to keep them down, which was the whole point in moving to the bathroom. Justin made it through his third round of dry heaves before allowing himself to lie back down, and let sleep take over.

When he awoke again, he found a glass of water by his head and another blanket draped over him. Brian was home. He grimaced as he latched onto the sink and pulled himself up. Awkwardly, he made his way into the kitchen and saw Brian standing in front of the stove.

“You don’t cook.” Justin said, his voice low. Grabbing a stool, he quickly sat down knowing that if he continued to stand then the room would continue to revolve. 

“Well, well, well.” Brian smirked. “Welcome to the land of the living. You all done praying to the porcelain gods?” 

“The only ones I would even consider praying to.” Justin laughed then decided not to do that again.

“You got home pretty late last night.” 

Justin frowned at the word ‘home’. It was so simple to say, but Justin knew differently. The home he’d once had was gone and he wasn’t getting it back. It’d been awhile since he’d actually considered the term because when one had a home there was also the term ‘family’ that went along with it. Justin had lost his family in more ways than one.

“I didn’t know there was a curfew.” Justin shot back surprised by the venom in his voice. Apparently, his ego was more bruised than he realized.

“There’s not, but on school nights could you refrain from being a drama queen and getting yourself plastered?”

“I’m sorry about that.” Justin answered after awhile.

“Sorry’s bullshit.”

Justin stood and walked back to the bedroom before turning to Brian. “Can I ask you a quick question?”

“Sure.”

“Did I really tell you that you have to promise to not fall in love with me?”

Brian laughed. “Yeah, plus some other things that we’ll talk about later.”

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Where were you Friday?” The curly haired brunette asked Justin.

“I was nursing a hangover.” He replied looking at his friend. “Daph, don’t give me that look.”

“What look?” Daphne asked.

“You women all have the same disapproving look, and I really don’t need it.” Justin said, grabbing the empty seat next to her. 

“We do not! Okay, maybe we do, but it’s warranted this time. I thought you had learned the last time to not drink so much; plus, you missed our pop quiz in chemistry.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Justin told her as he grabbed his math book from his bag and opened it to that day’s assignment. He had entered the library hoping to find some sort of solitude, but immediately knew that wasn’t going to happen when he saw his friend, Daphne. They had met his second day of school in chemistry class. She had immediately bounded over to him all bubbly with excitement at having somebody new to talk to, and since they had become inseperable. 

“How can you say that? I mean quizzes are like a third of our grade. Unless you have a time machine, you needed that to get a passing grade.” She knew that her friend wasn’t doing so well in any of his classes. He was barely passing any of them except for art. He did exceptionally well in that class, which had surprised even himself because he didn’t know he was that good.

“I told you Daph, school isn’t important to me. After I pay off my debts then I’m out of here and onto the next city.” Justin said, wanting to take it back after he saw the pain on her face. “I’ll still keep in touch with you, but I can’t live here.”

“You always say that, but you are living here, Justin. As much as you don’t want to admit it, you have a home here,” She wavered, knowing that he hated the words. “And a family. Face it. You’ve traveled all over the country looking for God knows what, but you never settle down long enough to find it. Maybe this time is different.” 

Justin smiled at her and nodded his head slowly. She knew him better than he knew himself sometimes, which was odd considering they had only met a month ago.

“So, what are your plans for today?” 

“Work at the diner until midnight then I can go back to the loft and not have to face him. He should be at Babylon or the baths by then.”

Daphne narrowed her eyes. “You’re still avoiding him?”

“Yes, I’m still avoiding him.” Justin mocked.

“I don’t get it. I thought that you didn’t want a relationship. I mean, that’s what you said, but you’re pissed because Brian rejected you.”

“I know what I said and I still stand by it. I just don’t want to have to deal with him right now. He’s got questions that I know I won’t be able to answer.”

“Could those be related to you getting a top score on the SAT’s when you didn’t even take the test?”

“How’d you know about that?” Justin asked.

“I work in the office, jackass. I’m the one who got that little indiscretion wiped off your record, remember?”

Justin smiled remembering the incident Daphne was referring to. How could he forget getting a blowjob from the varsity linebacker in the janitor’s closet? Justin could still see the look on the assistant principal’s face when he opened the door to reveal his star player servicing the blonde. “Did I ever thank you for that?”

Daphne giggled. “Numerous times, but you didn’t answer my question.”

Justin paused and looked at his watch. “Sorry, but I’ve got to go.” He shoved his books into his bag and then rushed out the door. His friend’s calls fell on deaf ears.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Deb had noticed the change in Sunshine the moment he had walked into the diner a week ago. His languid looks, his robotic movements, and especially the sighs whenever Brian walked into the diner tipped her off. Most of the time, he would trade his table with another waiter so that he wouldn’t have to wait on Brian. His avoidance techniques left much to be desired. Deb knew that something was amiss, but she couldn’t quite figure it out. So, she went to Michael and made him tell her the whole sordid story. Though the reason behind his motives was unclear, she had never been more proud of her surrogate son. That idea changed though when Sunshine walked into the diner and she saw the hurt he felt. It was a bittersweet victory. It was that Monday afternoon, after Brian had ordered his usual turkey-no mayo-whole wheat- sandwich, that Deb decided it was past time for her to butt in.

“You can’t go on like this forever.” She whispered over Justin’s shoulder.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Cut the crap, Sunshine. I know all about your bruised ego, but you can’t keep acting like he isn’t there. You live with the man for fucks sake, and if I know Brian, you sleep in the same bed.” 

“I sleep on the couch if it’s any of your business.” Justin tossed the coffee pot underneath the maker, and turned to take an order signaling the end of their conversation.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin yawned and threw the blanket off his bare chest. Deb was right, he thought sitting up. He was going to have to talk to Brian because it was obvious the man didn’t feel anything towards him. That was made evident when he broke off their kiss. 

He could hear the shower running and knew that Brian would emerge –naked as usual—and then change for work. Justin would pretend to be asleep so that the man wouldn’t disturb him, and then he’d get up and hurry into the shower making sure to take exceedingly long. By the time he finished, Brian would have left for work. It was a practice that Justin had perfected after an awkward incident of running into Brian after he had finished showering. 

Justin listened to the water cascading onto the tile floor and wondered when he had allowed this man to change his life. When had he become so important that Justin wanted to break his rules? The idea of no relationships seemed silly to him because he had made more contacts in the last two months in Pittsburgh than he had during his whole five months of wandering. Justin heard Brian turning off the shower, his feet hitting the floor, and instead of hunkering down and cowering under the blanket like usual, he stood. He stood and walked to the bathroom door and waited.

“Jesus.” Brian exclaimed when he opened the door. “You scared the shit out of me. Don’t do that.” Justin didn’t say anything and after a while Brian took a step to the side and motioned him to the bathroom. “Well, aren’t you going to run in and hide? Locking the door behind you?”

“Is that what you want?”

“It’s become usual practice with you. You can’t keep doing this, Justin.” 

“I know.” He murmured wondering if this was really a good idea. 

“Nothing’s different; nothing’s changed.”

“Everything’s changed.” Justin said boldly.

“Not as far as I’m concerned.” Brian answered as he walked to his closet.

“I guess you would feel that way.” 

“What’s that mean?”

“Nothing, you wouldn’t understand.”

Brian pulled his shirt on and began to button it. “Then explain it to me. Tell me why you haven’t said more than two words to me in a week and a half. Tell me why you’re suddenly sleeping on the couch. Explain to me why you pretend to be sleeping before I go to work, and why you’re avoiding me at all costs.”

Justin averted his eyes, suddenly noticing a spot on the floor; when he looked back at Brian, he hoped the tears that were forming weren’t noticeable. “You know this little arrangement I’ve got going; falling asleep on the couch, wishing that I was in bed with you? Well, it sucks. It sucks up one side and down the other. It’s uncomfortable, it’s awkward, and it’s weird.”

“Then why continue it?”

Justin wiped his eye with the back of his hand before speaking. “It’s been eight months since I’ve had actual contact with somebody that didn’t have an agenda. Somebody that wasn’t with me because I had the drugs, or the ass, or the dick that they wanted. And it’s freaking me out. I don’t know why you’ve gotten to me like you have and the fact that I’m still here is a miracle to me. I guess when you like somebody proximity is a good thing, regardless of how the person feels about you…or doesn’t, as the case may be.” He eyed Brian hoping for something that would identify how he felt, but the man had perfected the stone face. 

Brian cleared his throat and scrubbed a hand over his face. He wasn’t going to deny that he’d felt something when they’d kissed. Something he hadn’t expected but assumed was there the whole time. He had gotten to know Justin pretty well over the last couple of months and found himself caring about this kid, but that was the whole reason he couldn’t bring sex into this. Sex was his way out, his escape, and he didn’t want to bring that anywhere near Justin. He didn’t want to just fuck Justin; he wanted it to be something more, but fuck if he’d ever admit that aloud. Brian lifted his head and stared at the sea of blue in the boy’s hurt eyes. 

“Come here.” Brian motioned and Justin followed slowly, stepping towards his outreached hand. Brian felt his palm connect with Justin’s slender neck and he caressed the pale skin, running his thumb across his jaw line. Involuntarily, a tear fell down the blonde’s cheek leaving a glistening trail behind. Brian pulled Justin towards him and kissed away the trail that ended at the blonde’s mouth. The younger man parted his lips inviting Brian’s tongue inside and they kissed with even more passion than before. Justin felt Brian’s strong hands run the length of his torso, ending at his waist, and he lifted his arms so that his T-shirt could be quickly discarded. He reached between their bodies and unbuttoned Brian’s silk shirt, running his hands over the older man’s bare chest. The shirt fell to the floor with a soft sound as Justin reached up and cupped the back of Brian’s head; his fingers playing with the brunette’s hair. Awkwardly, they stepped towards the bed and fell onto it, with Brian straddled over Justin’s lap.

“I’ve…”Justin paused. “I’ve never bottomed before.”

“I’ll go slow.” Brian whispered, pulling off Justin’s pants. He kissed his way around the boy’s groin eliciting moans and gasps of pleasure that he had never realized could turn him on so fast. Justin thrust his hips towards Brian’s open mouth, but Brian steadied the young man with his hands, teasing him as much as he dared. The blonde gasped when he felt Brian enter him for the first time. As much as he prepared himself for it, the pain he felt was nothing he’d ever imagined, but it soon subsided and he felt nothing but euphoric bliss.

Basking in the afterglow of sex, Brian took a drag off his cigarette. “I just want you for you.” He whispered over Justin’s snores.


	10. So Much Left to Learn

I know it's been awhile, but I'm back!! Thanks to my beta CJ...you rock!!

* * *

Justin watched Brian. Period. It was just something he did unconsciously at first, but after awhile, he realized that Brian’s actions said far more than any words could. He loved watching Brian while they were having sex. It was where he had discovered his new favorite pastime. Brian made _the_ best faces right before he came. The way his eyes would close and his head would tilt back just right, and the guttural noises he made would push the blonde right over the edge. He always tried to keep his eyes open during their sessions, but sometimes pleasure won out and Justin would tell himself there was always next time.

It wasn’t only during sex though there was also the diner, at Babylon, Woody’s, breakfast, the list could go on and on. Just suffice it to say that Justin watched Brian. He memorized every motion, every tilt of Brian’s head, and would find himself doodling on anything he could get his hands on. Brian was all over his homework; his eyes were in the corners of his math assignments, his hands and lips adorned the chemistry journal, and his dick was any place that didn’t have to be turned in. Justin had never realized his love for art before probably due to the fact that he’d never actually taken the time to draw, but with Brian he just felt compelled.

The one thing Justin had always wanted to draw was Brian sleeping, but since he was a teenager and loved to be anywhere but in reality, he never found himself awake before his older counterpart. Thus, the opportunity never appeared until now.

“What are you doing?” A gruff voice mumbled into the pillow.

“I was sleeping, no thanks to you.” Justin replied.

“You were not.” Brian answered as he turned to look at the clock. “You’ve been staring at me for like, fifteen minutes.”

“Have not.” Justin grumbled. “And if you knew that then why didn’t you get up?”

“I’ve been up.” Brian grinned, slipping his hand under the sheet. “And now so are you.”

Justin stifled a moan when he felt Brian’s smooth hand encase his stiff prick; he didn’t want the man to think he was that easy. Justin tossed his head back allowing Brian to move closer leaving a trail of open-mouthed kisses along the expanse of his throat. Brian worked his way up the blonde’s neck while his hand continued the taunting ministrations underneath the sheet. He licked slowly along the boys jaw line, nibbling softly on his earlobe, which produced the desired affect. Justin let out the moan he’d been holding in and was surprised at how good it felt.

“Brian…” Justin groaned, clawing at the older man. “Fuck me.”

Brian slowed and whispered softly in the boy’s ear. “I can’t hear you.”

“Please, Bri!” Justin cried. “Fuck me!”

“I heard that, but I don’t think the neighbors did and you know how much they like our shows. We have to please them.” Brian teased as he stopped his hand all together.

“Fuck!” Justin cried thrusting his hips in Brian’s motionless hand. “Me!”

“All you had to do was ask.” Brian stated as he reached into the drawer of the nightstand. Justin sighed when he heard the usual crinkle of the wrapping and felt Brian lifting his hips. Instinctively, Justin rolled onto his stomach and waited for Brian.

“Roll over.” Brian ordered, slapping Justin’s ass.

Gleefully, Justin did as he was ordered, but tried his hardest not to show it. Brian concentrated on the task at hand and sighed with contentment when he felt himself entering Justin. The blonde below him watched every move and tried to memorize the lazy smile that played across Brian’s lips during that first thrust and the half-lidded stare the boy received after a kiss. He wanted to capture those little insignificant details that everyone always takes for granted when you see them all the time, but Justin knew that maybe they really weren’t insignificant at all.

Brian was moving his hips faster, grunting louder, and Justin knew that the man wouldn’t last much longer. He felt Brian’s hand snake around his cock and willed his eyes to remain open. 

“Oh, fuck it.” Justin mumbled as he leaned his head back and exposed his throat to Brian’s tongue. He always had next time. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“You’re late.” Daphne whispered during chem. class. “Miss. Wolfe has been on a rampage looking for you.”

“What the hell would she want?” Justin asked, his mind trying to find any reason the art teacher would need to see him.

“I don’t know, but she’s been trying to find you all morning.”

“Well, she didn’t look in the right places.” Justin grinned.

“I don’t think the faculty has access to Brian’s loft, let alone his bed.” Daphne smirked and then returned her attention to the chemistry lesson going on in the front of the room. Justin, on the other hand, was having a hard time concentrating with what had happened that morning and now with this news of a rampaging teacher. He honestly had no clue as to what she wanted, but it wasn’t long before he found out.

“Mr. Taylor.” A voice called from beside him as he exited the chem. lab.

“Mrs. Wolfe.” Justin smiled. His teacher was a very eccentric lady. She loved kids, she loved art, and combining the two, she loved her job. Mrs. Wolfe, or Cherish as her students knew her, was known for her drastic changes in style and hair. She was the epitome of the modern artist. She wore flowy dresses and was always sing-songing about expressing yourself through your art. The latest change being her head was completely shorn, devoid of any hair at all. Her husband and she had decided to do it at the same time. Their reason being to focus on one’s inner self rather than being worried about what is on the outside. In laymen’s terms, to better oneself. “You’ve been looking for me?”

“All over the place.” She told him with a toothy-grin. “That boyfriend of yours keep you busy this morning?” 

“He’s not my boyfriend, Cherish. He’s just my…friend.”

“Well, whoever he is to you, remind him that school starts at 7:30 not 8:15. Anyway, back to what I needed you for. There’s going to be a gallery showing here at school –nothing big-- just a few pieces of the students art to show the other faculty and our esteemed Superintendent what kind of talent we have floating around this shit can.”

“And you want me to what? Pass out flyers?” Justin asked curiously –he could be really daft at times.

Cherish rolled her eyes. “I want you to submit some of your drawings. You’re the best artist we have here and I’ll be damned if you’re not in it.”

”People seeing my stuff? I don’t know. All I really have are drawings of Brian, and I don’t know if he’d want them on display.”

“Well, we’ll choose some of your more, um, PG stuff. Maybe we’ll tack a 13 onto the end of that just for shits and giggles.” Justin didn’t say anything at first, just continued to nod. He absentmindedly chewed on his thumbnail, which he often did during sessions of deep thinking. “Well, don’t decide right now. Go home and talk it over with Brian, and then come back tomorrow and we’ll take it from there.”

“Thanks, Cherish.” Justin said after a bit. “For understanding.”

“That’s what I do best, kiddo.” And with that, she was gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Justin was sitting on the sofa when Brian got home and it immediately worried the older man. He didn’t want Justin going back to his old routine of watching out the window all damn day. The boy had actually started to have fun for once by going out to Babylon and Woody’s. 

“What’s up?” Brian asked, initiating what he assumed to be a never-ending conversation.

“Just thinking about some stuff.” Justin paused. “You don’t really want to know, so we’ll leave it at that.”

Brian rolled his eyes and set his brief case on the floor behind the cushion before rubbing the boys shoulders with his strong hands. He felt Justin sit up and relax a soft sigh escaping. Brian bent low and kissed the top of Justin’s ear, slowly moving down his jaw line. Justin closed his eyes and leaned back turning his head to catch Brian’s lips with his.

“I needed that.” Justin moaned when the kiss was broken.

“Ready to tell me what’s going on in that head of yours?”

Justin sighed and stood before starting his story. “My teacher stopped me in the hall today and said that she wanted to talk to me.”

“Jesus, you’re not in trouble for being late are you? I told you we shouldn’t have fucked in the shower.”

“Settle down, queenie. It’s not that, she actually wanted to tell me that she was setting up an art gallery and wanted me to submit some of my stuff. She said that I’m the best artist the school has.” Justin’s voice grew quiet and he started to pace.

“Well, that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Brian asked, confused. He knew that Justin had been drawing more and more lately and loved doing it. This was a big accomplishment for him and he told Justin so.

“I guess.” Justin exhaled noisily. “I don’t know why I’m being such a fucking princess about this. So, I should go ahead and submit my stuff? I mean, it is mostly of you. You don’t care, right?”

“I’ve always wanted to be ogled by the masses.” Brian grinned cheekily, resting his forehead against the blonde’s. “Why don’t we find some more positions for you to draw me in?”

“It’s supposed to be a PG show, Bri. Any positions you have in mind definitely don’t fall under that category.” Justin smiled wickedly, allowing the older man to lead him towards the bed. 

“Then we’ll just have to have our own showing with some of your more risqué endeavors.” Brian uttered before sweeping his tongue into Justin’s waiting mouth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Finally, the day of the gallery opening arrived. The gym had been miraculously changed into a half-assed attempt at a showing. Easels stood sporadically with a few landscape paintings on them, some were done in oils and others acrylics, but they were nothing to be in awe over. Justin was standing in a corner, hiding underneath the shadows, scanning the room. He was nervous as all hell and kept ringing the program he held in his hands. Hanging on every free surface around the gymnasium were his charcoal drawings. The black and white pictures dominated the walls and the folded bleachers.

“Where’s your muse?” Cherish asked, sauntering over to Justin’s hiding spot. 

Justin smiled at her. “He said he’d try to make it, but didn’t know if he’d get out in time.”

“I see.” She sounded skeptical.

“What?”

“I was just thinking that he’d be here to support you. I mean, if he is as good as you say he is.”

“He’s just busy, that’s all.” Justin looked down at the crumpled paper in his hand before returning his gaze to the meager crowd. 

“They like your stuff, Justin. You see that man over in the corner.” Cherish nodded to a dark haired man across the room. He was well built, probably in his mid 30’s, with a head full of hair, wearing a dark pin stripe suit. “He is a gallery owner and a personal friend of mine. He also happens to be on the accepting committee at Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts. I think you should mingle your way over to him. He hasn’t stepped away from your drawings the whole time he’s been here.”

Justin watched his teacher walk away and then decided that he’d take her advice. He made his way over to the man, shuffling his feet, fighting with himself the whole way. 

“Excuse me?” Justin whispered. “My name is Justin Taylor.”

“The artist.” The man said, turning to shake Justin’s trembling hand. “I’m Jake Monroe. I was admiring your work. You are a very talented young man.”

“Thank you.” Justin glanced around and not seeing what he wanted, returned his attention to the man. “Mr. Monroe.”

“Please, call me Jake.”

“Jake. Cherish told me that you are on the accepting board at PIFA. What do you think my chances are of getting in?”

“You have an excellent chance. I would enroll you today if given the choice.” Jake smiled at the blonde and then looked back towards the work on the walls. “You seem to have one person in particular that you enjoy to draw. May I ask who he is?”

“My friend, Brian.” Justin answered torn at what title he wanted to give.

“Boyfriend?” Jake prodded, suspecting as much and assuming he already knew the answer.

“Sort of.” Justin sighed and then fell silent.

Brian walked into the high school gymnasium and immediately wanted to turn around. This was not his element and hadn’t been for a long time. He scanned the room and saw all of what he assumed to be Justin’s drawings on the walls. It was undeniable how talented the young man was even if he was too modest to admit it. Brian walked over to the nearest drawing and began his viewing from there.

“You must be Brian.” A voice behind him spoke up.

Brian turned and found he was staring down at a very eccentric lady with a shaved head. He assumed she was Justin’s art teacher from the little he could remember of the boy’s incessant talking.

“I couldn’t help but recognize you.” She said, spanning her arms out indicating the drawings that surrounded them. “Justin speaks very highly of you.”

“Cherish, was it? Justin’s mentioned you a couple of times. You seem to have opened him up to his abilities.”

“Outside of the bedroom.” Cherish joked, chuckling a little. “I think you hold that department.”

Brian smiled in spite of himself. “Well, when you’re the best.” Brian looked up and locked eyes with the blonde across the room. Brian immediately saw the smile that he put on Justin’s face, It made him feel good and that surprised him. He excused himself and sauntered over to Justin, wrapping his arm around the boy’s waist and greeting him with a kiss. 

“You like what you see?” Justin asked, leaning back so he could look at Brian.

“Very much so.” Brian answered, his voice low.

“I meant the drawings.” Justin laughed playfully, pushing Brian away.

“I thought you preferred the real thing.”

Justin smirked and slipped his hand into Brian’s and felt chills run through his spine when their fingers intertwined. Justin led Brian over to his favorite picture and waited for the man’s reaction.

“When did you draw this?”

“A couple of mornings ago.” 

Brian stared at the black and white charcoal in front of him. His eyes were closed, obviously sleeping, his hand laid gently across his stomach with the duvet covering his most prized asset. “It’s a shame to cover such a work of art.”

“Your ego could fill this room. You do realize that, don’t you?”

“Only part of it. I’m pretty sure your talent would take up the rest.”

The grin that Justin wore could have lit up a whole town and it didn’t go unnoticed by Brian. 

“Quit it, Sunshine. You know I love your work even more than you love my cock.”

“I don’t know if that’s possible.”

Brian cocked his eyebrow and wrapped his arm around Justin’s shoulder. Justin felt like they were the only two people left in the room, and he wanted that feeling to stay.


	11. So Much Left to Learn

Thanks to my beta.. as always.

* * *

Brian was sitting on the couch in the loft, Justin resting between his knees on the floor. They were watching a shitty movie from pay-per-view. Justin had insisted they watch it because he claimed to have wanted to see it for a while, but not having any money, he couldn’t see it in the theatres. Brian had caved and turned on the TV, scoffing at how often Justin got away with using the sympathy card. 

“Justin.” Brian began breaking the silence. “This movie is for shit.”

“Shush.” The blonde replied slapping Brian’s foot. Justin laughed to himself because the movie really was for shit, but after he had successfully whined Brian into submission he didn’t want to back out now. To tell the truth, he had almost fallen asleep twice. “Okay, fine, I admit it. The movie’s for shit, but you gotta admit the lead is a total hottie.”

“I’ve had better.” 

Justin sneered. “Don’t use the past tense, I’m right here and you’re still having me.”

“Now whose ego is bigger?” Brian asked cocking his eyebrow.

Justin turned around and sat on his knees between Brian’s legs. Justin ran his hand along Brian’s calf, feeling the man’s warm skin against his own rough hands. 

“Brian…”

“Huh?” Brian asked lazily.

“I want to go somewhere.”

“Okay, I’m all for heading into the bedroom.” Brian winked and pulled the blonde onto his lap.

Justin leaned in and flicked his tongue across Brian’s lips. “I want to go out. Let’s go to Babylon.”

“We are not going to Babylon. It’s only nine, no self-respecting gay man goes to Babylon before midnight.”

“Then let’s go to Woody’s.” Justin traced small kisses along Brian’s throat.

“No self-respecting gay man goes to Woody’s before eleven.” Brian answered as he expertly groped the boy’s groin.

Justin moaned at Brian’s handy work, but he wasn’t going to give in so easily. “Then let’s go to the store.”

“The store?”

“Yeah.” Justin said sitting up. “We should go shopping for some food. You really need to get some of your protein off a plate.”

Brian smirked. “I like my method better, and I think you do too.”

“That’s beside the point.” Justin stood up pulling Brian with him. He was fully determined now, and wasn’t going to take no for an answer. “Let’s go.”

“No.”

“No?” Justin tilted his head and stared at the older man.

“No. Grocery shopping together is both lesbian and hetero and I’m not about to do it.”

“That makes no sense. I can’t believe that you are actually stooping to the level of using the breeder card. Fags eat too, you know.”

“How can I forget after living with you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Bri. We’ll go get some food and then hit Woody’s and Babylon. What else do you have to do?”

Brian rolled his eyes thinking of the numerous things he could be doing. The top of his list having his rock hard cock inside of his favorite bottom. Justin laughed knowing the thoughts going through Brian’s head. 

“We’ll be doing enough of that later, come on.” Justin grabbed Brian’s hand and led him out the door to the jeep. It wasn’t a long ride, but Brian was silent the whole way only frustrating his passenger. Brian really could be the biggest drama queen when he wanted to be.

“We’re here.” He stated, slamming the jeep door. “Unfortunately.”

“Quit being a prick.” Justin walked through the automatic door and grabbed the first cart he found. They really did need to go shopping, and besides he was bored. Brian followed the blonde down each of the aisles, dragging his feet the whole way. Every now and then he would supply his opinion on what Justin was tossing in the cart, but that’s all of the talking he cared to supply. He didn’t like that Justin could get his way with just a single look or sigh. Since when did Brian Kinney care if the twink was bored and wanted to get out or if he hadn’t seen a fucking movie. He didn’t have the answer to that question and wasn’t quite sure he wanted one in the first place.

“Tacos?”

“What?” Brian asked startled.

“I asked if you wanted me to make tacos.” Justin repeated, his eyes showing his confusion.

“Whatever.” Brian uttered. “Are we done yet?”

“Almost.” What’s with the fucking attitude? Justin thought. He’d never known Brian to be this pissy before, but he reminded himself that he may not know Brian as well as he assumed. Justin led Brian to the fruit and vegetable section of the store and grabbed a few apples and bananas. Brian was all about fruit. Justin grabbed some lettuce and a tomato, tossing them in a bag and into the cart. They were making their way to the front of the building when a movement caught Justin’s eye. He blinked and then looked again to see if he’d really seen what he thought he’d seen. A little girl, strawberry blonde hair, was walking down an aisle holding onto rungs of the cart. Next to her was her mother. Justin shifted his eyes and wondered what disturbed him about the seemingly normal scene. 

A balloon.

She was holding a balloon. Green. It bobbed with every flick of her wrist and from the air blowing down from the vents.

Justin blinked but couldn’t get the image out of his head. He reached his hand up and rubbed his eyes, hoping that when he opened them everything would be fine. 

Brian watched the blonde as he stared down the cereal aisle. His face was contorted in confusion, pain, and sadness; pick one. He reached his arm out and gentle laid it on Justin’s shoulder. The boy flinching from the unexpected contact.

“Let’s get out of here.” Justin said pushing the cart to the checkout. He tossed the boxes and bags onto the conveyor belt, ignoring the looks of concern he was getting from the older man. “Leave it alone.” Justin said under his breath, eyeing Brian. If the boy didn’t want to talk then Brian was going to be the last one to push, but he didn’t know for how long. There was something that was obviously eating away at Justin. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Babylon was thumping as usual with the mass of people gyrating to the beat of the techno music that blared through the structure. The lights flashed red, gold, and green illuminating the go-go dancer’s scantily clad bodies. Justin was on the catwalk watching the scene play out below him. Brian had disappeared after they had a drink at the bar and hadn’t returned. Justin didn’t bother to find him because he was most likely in the backroom, and Justin hated the backroom. It was too dark, too quiet, and too ominous. The music seemed to fade when you exited the main room and even with all the moans and groans of satisfaction there was just something that hit Justin the wrong way. Besides, he didn’t feel like having company tonight, at least not Brian’s, and he was pretty positive the older man felt the same way.

Instead, he chose to stand high above the crowd with drink in hand, and forget about everything that troubled him. After the duo left the grocery store, they barely said two words to each other, mostly at Justin’s request. They hauled the bags into the elevator and rode in silence to Brian’s loft. It was still too early for Woody’s, so Brian sat down at his computer and worked on some copies until he felt it was the perfect time for him to show his face on Liberty Avenue. Justin followed half-heartedly because he wanted to go to Babylon and get lost in the music, but he decided that it might be good to have a few drinks beforehand. So, he was nursing his third beer. He didn’t want to get too drunk because he had school tomorrow, but he wanted to take away the pain.

“Don’t drink too much. I remember what happened last time.” 

“What?” Justin asked, turning his head to see Michael standing beside him.

“Nothing.” Michael answered, deciding to push the motherly routine aside for now.

“Where’s Brian?”

“Where’s Ben?” Justin rejoined.

“He’s at home grading papers.” Michael answered. “Where’s Brian?”

“Fuck if I know. Probably the backroom getting his dick sucked.”

“You guys get in a fight?” Michael asked concerned. He knew that Brian was a bitch to deal with and sometimes it was easier to just walk away. Justin was young and maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea at times.

“Not so much.” Justin turned and walked towards the stairs. His not-so-subtle way of ending a conversation he didn’t want started. He walked down the stairs, worked his way through the maze of people, and into the most dreaded area. The smoke was more prominent back here, and he hated that too. The way it lingered, filling the air with that hazy mist, and the smell that stuck to your clothes. Justin weaved his way around, nodding his head at a few of the guys he’d met before until he locked his eyes on a set of hazel ones.

“Sunshine.” 

“Let’s go.” Justin stated standing firm.

“Now you want to talk.” Brian waved the guy that was servicing his dick away and zipped his pants up. He knew Justin was uneasy back here and wasn’t about to make the kid stand there any longer than he had to, but he wasn’t about to back down for the third time tonight. He lead the way out of the backroom --turning down offers left and right— until he found himself at the bar. Brian ordered a shot of Beam and then turned to Justin. The boy was edging off buzzed and headed towards drunk. 

“What are we doing here? I told you I wanted to go.”

“And who’s stopping you?” Brian watched as Justin ordered another beer. That was probably number four or five by now. Too many for somebody his age on a school night. Fuck, he thought, I’m not his parent, He can fuck up if he wants. 

Justin looked at Brian and took a sip from the bottle in his hand. He rolled his eyes and waved his hand in dismissal. If he wanted to act that way then Justin was going to let him. He could always find an alternate route home; it wouldn’t be the first time. Justin took another swig and eyed the tall brunette, trying to unsuccessfully hide the pain that was evident in his baby blues. Brian chose to ignore it and headed into the backroom, leaving Justin to fend for himself.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian stumbled into a darkened loft. He assumed that Justin had made it home and was sleeping. He’d have to get up for school in a couple of hours and Brian would be getting up for work; albeit with a nasty hangover. Brian unbuttoned his black, silk, Armani shirt and peeled it off before tossing it onto the parquet floor. He shed his pants next and climbed into the bed reveling in the feeling as his head hit the pillow. Unconsciously, his arm snaked underneath the cover and reached out, but found that the space next to him was empty. 

“Where the fuck?” Brian asked aloud, bolting upright. His mind began to rush through all the possible scenarios on where Justin might be. Maybe he had gotten lost or maybe he stopped to think and lost track of time. Justin was the kind of person that liked to be alone with his thoughts, so Brian grabbed a pair of jeans and went to find the blonde.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin was sitting on the ledge when Brian found him, his feet dangling over the side. He had hoped that the roof was the last place Brian would look, but apparently Brian knew him better than Justin knew himself. Justin felt the older man next to him, but didn’t move to acknowledge his presence. Instead, he let the music that was playing from the CD player Brian had bought him envelope him. He wanted to be taken away. 

Brian felt relieved when he opened the creaking door and saw the outline of a body, but that quickly dissipated when Justin came into full view. He wondered if the blonde knew how precariously he was sitting, and then he wondered if Justin even cared. The boy’s eyes were glistening and it was obvious he had been crying. Brian wanted to reach out to him, to comfort him, but he didn’t want to startle him like before. He waited instead for Justin to look towards him. Finally, he did.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Brian asked.

Justin averted his eyes and looked at the cars below. If he moved a couple of inches, a quick turn of his body, or a shifting of his weight, it could be all over. Is that what he wanted? He took the earphones off his head and draped them around his neck. 

“That could add up quickly. You sure you can afford it?”

“I’m the best.” Brian smirked, but quickly became serious. “What happened to you today?”

Justin didn’t know what to say. How do you explain something like that? He took a deep breath and exhaled softly, trying to gain composure before he started his long tale. He heard the soft whir of the CD player switching songs and realized he hadn’t turned it off. A song he’d listened to repeatedly tonight played softly over the headset. 

_As I’m leaving_  
A change comes on my eyes  
These streets persuading me  
With mumbles strange goodbyes 

“Did you see the little girl? She was holding a green balloon, which to any other person would probably be alright.” He paused and watched Brian nod, indicating he wanted Justin to continue. 

_And through the water_  
Through the ring  
To the soul of everything  
Throw my heart out  
On the stones  
And I’m almost gone 

“When you found me, I’d been living in different cities and different states for five months. I got by with what little money I had at first, but that didn’t last long and I was forced to live by any means possible.” He paused, smiling at the music.

_And there’s no meaning_  
In clothes and coffee cups  
Cheap hotel furniture  
Where silence never stops 

“In Massachusetts, I lived in Salem, sleeping in somebody’s barn. In Los Angeles, a deserted old building with a drunken crack whore. It was a different town every week if I had anything to say about it, and that had worked pretty well for me. Until I came here and you happened.”

_And through the water_  
Through the ring  
To the soul of everything  
Throw my heart out  
On the stones  
And I’m almost gone 

“Justin.” Brian started, unsure what to say. “That still doesn’t explain what happened today.”

“I’m getting there.” Justin sighed and began again. “I’m only 17, but I’ve seen shit that might even rival your happy childhood, Brian.” He noticed the wince that played across the older man’s face. They were both haunted by memories they didn’t want. It was the common bond they shared. 

_And now I’m dreaming_  
I’m staring at the walls  
At cars all frozen now  
In late night waterfalls 

“I’ll try to tell you everything that I can, but some things will be left out and that’s not because I don’t trust you because I really do.” Justin was talking faster now, wanting to get everything out at once and not being sure where to begin. “I’ve learned that you’re about the only person I can trust.”

“Then, why not tell me everything?”

Justin paused and again looked at the cars that whizzed by below.

_And through the water_  
Through the ring  
To the soul of everything  
Wash my heart out  
On the stones  
And I’m almost gone 

“Because I don’t remember.”


	12. So Much Left to Learn

Thanks CJ for the help!

* * *

“You don’t remember?” Brian asked. “As in, you don’t want to?” 

“As in I can’t…at all. Nothing from before eight months ago.” Justin looked away, a tear falling from his eye. 

Brian watched amazed. Sometimes he wished that he couldn’t remember the childhood he’d had, but to actually have it happen was completely different. Because then he wouldn’t remember the good times he’d had with Mikey, or the rare games of catch in the backyard. No, he decided, he’d rather take the good with the bad than to have it all taken away.

Justin spoke again, his voice low and distant. “The first thing I can remember is waking up in a room that was completely white. I remember thinking that I’d died and this was heaven.” Justin eyes were dark from despair and he wasn’t really looking at anything. He was just staring at nothing, his mind wandering through spaces of time that he’d tried to block away. “And sometimes I wish that I had.”

“It’s okay.” Brian said taking the blonde’s hand in his. He was shivering and it wasn’t because of the weather. “Let’s take this inside, okay?”

Justin nodded and let Brian lead him inside. When they entered the loft, Justin shrugged Brian’s arm from his shoulder and walked over to the couch. He didn’t want to be close to anybody. He just wanted to crawl away and forget. He wanted to be forgotten. Brian went to the fridge and brought over a beer. He assumed the boy had had too many between Woody’s and Babylon, but who was he to talk about drinking heavily?

“Okay.” Brian said, settling himself on the couch. He knew that Justin needed this…closure.

“It was actually a hospital room.” Justin uttered. “My supposed heaven. When the nurse came in, I had already gotten out of bed and was walking around. I hadn’t realized that I’d pulled my IV out. There was blood everywhere. I can see it sometimes like I’m back in that room. I don’t even remember it hurting.” Justin looked at his arm and ran his fingers over the scar. He shook his head to clear his thoughts before turning his gaze to Brian. “I…I can’t do this.”

Justin stood and walked towards the bedroom, but stopped only when he heard Brian’s voice. 

“When I was your age, maybe a little younger, I won the soccer game that took us to the State Finals. I was ecstatic, but it was all ruined when I got home from celebrating to find Jack waiting for me. It was late and he was drunk. I assumed that since my sister knew about the big game that she would explain everything to him, but she either didn’t, or he just didn’t care. It didn’t really matter because the outcome was the same. He bruised three of my ribs that night. So much for a good day.” Brian exhaled. “I’ve never told anyone that before.”

Justin turned and rubbed his hand over his face. “Why tell me?”

“I guess I thought if you knew that I could trust you, then you could trust me.” 

“Brian.” Justin sighed, returning to the couch and Brian’s safe arms. “I do trust you, I think.”

“Do you think or do you know?” Brian questioned, resting his forehead against Justin’s, watching for the truth in his blue orbs.

“I know.” Justin nodded his head for added emphasis. “I know.” He took Brian’s hand in his and intertwined their fingers. Maybe, he thought if he held on real tight, he wouldn’t scare Brian away. “The doctor came in then and was very surprised to see me standing. He rushed over and with help from the nurse, got me back into bed. I didn’t know why I was there, where ‘there’ was, or who I was, and I was fucking pissed because nobody was telling me anything. It wasn’t until two days later that I found out I was in New York. I caught a glimpse of a television set during one of my trips to therapy. I was always doing that, sneaking around and trying to find answers that I wanted. It never occurred to me to ask because I figured I wouldn’t be told the truth any how.”

Justin stopped talking and looked around the room. Gently, Brian squeezed his hand, reassuring him that he could continue. Justin sighed and ran his free hand through his hair. 

“The doctors told me that I had amnesia from a blow to the head; that it may or may not return. I remember laughing because that stuff only happens to other people. You know, like your Aunt’s-sister’s-cousin-twice removed. Everyday, I would wake up and try to remember something, but it was always the same; just a blank slate. I remember wondering where my parents were, and again, it never occurred to me to ask. I mean, I assumed I had some because I was alive and why wouldn’t they be? When I was discharged from the hospital, there was a blue van waiting for me and I --for some reason-- was excited. Maybe I thought I was going to see my mom or dad, I don’t remember now. I do remember that door opening and rushing up to the person asking who they were and why hadn’t they come to see me.” Justin brushed a tear from his eye. 

“We don’t have to do this now.” Brian whispered, rubbing the back of Justin’s hand with his thumb. “When you’re ready, I mean really ready, then we can continue.”

“No.” Justin said adamantly. “If I don’t do it now then who knows if I ever will.”

“If you’re sure.”

“I am.” Justin whispered. “The woman was probably in her thirties; too young to be my mother, too old to be my sister. She had brown hair and a mousy face. She said her name was Olivia and that she was going to take me to a foster family. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t going with my parents. She sat me down and told me everything that I couldn’t remember. Everything that’d happened to make me this way. It was a fire, she said, that had taken my home, my family, and my life. I had a little sister once, but I don’t even know what she looked like because everything that was in the house burned. I have no pictures, no family albums, or videos. Nothing to remember them by because I was hit in the fucking head by a falling object. They don’t even know what it was, a beam, a door, or a fucking vase. They don’t know, I don’t know, and I hate them for that. I hate that I only know my name because of my wallet. That I’m going through life with a big fucking hole.”

Justin rested his head against Brian’s chest, willing himself not to cry because he didn’t want to, and Brian wouldn’t want him to. “I have dreams late at night and I’ll wake up too scared to open my eyes, but too worried not to. It’s in those first moments that all I can see is a green balloon. It sways softly from side to side and bobs up and down. That’s all, just a fucking green balloon.”

“I wonder what that means.” Brian uttered under his breath. Justin knew more than he was saying, Brian was sure of that, but if the boy didn’t want to share, he wasn’t going to push. In his own time, Brian thought, in his own time.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin sat in bed with his chin resting on his knees. He wasn’t exactly thinking about anything in particular, just a lot of things at once. He’d told Brian a lot of shit the night before, but he’d saved some details that he didn’t want anyone to pity him over. Pity made his dick soft. His mind wandered between thoughts until he decided that he couldn’t just sit there and think anymore. That wasn’t something he was used to and he didn’t want it to be. Instead, he crawled out of bed his head throbbing and his stomach queasy, and got dressed, hoping that he looked somewhat presentable.

“Excuse me.” Justin mumbled, tapping slightly on the outside of the hard wooden door.

“What is it? My office hours are posted on the door as well as on my syllabus.” The man didn’t even bother to look up and see who was wrapping on the door.

“Professor.” Justin started before backing off. “Ben.”

Ben looked up at hearing his first name and was stunned to see the young blonde in his doorway. “Justin, I apologize for my rudeness. Here have a seat and I’ll be with you shortly.”

Justin entered the beige colored room and sat in the blue plastic chair in front of Ben’s beaten up desk. He scanned the room and saw the usual diplomas, publishing’s, books, odds and ends. There was nothing that would give the slightest hint to Ben’s soft demeanor or home life. It was cut and dry, business and nothing else, but Justin knew the man, not the Professor, and for some reason that comforted him.

“So, what brings you all the way out here? And when you should be in school? Not the best way to impress a teacher, mind you, but I’m sure you have your reasons.”

Justin blushed and then worried that maybe he shouldn’t be here at all. Maybe this was a stupid idea and it’d backfire, leaving him covered in dirt and debris. Quickly, he pushed that idea back towards his subconscious and forged ahead with his original plan. “I wanted to talk to you about my chances of going to college.”

Ben looked at him, questioningly, and decided that he was serious. That surprised him because all Justin had ever talked about was wanting to leave and get as far away from the Pitts as possible. Maybe he was growing up, or maybe he was falling in love. Which was more believable, Ben wasn’t sure, but he wanted to see where this could go. “Well, we’d have to see about your test scores and grades. You have a rough background, but overall seem to have a pretty good demeanor. I’m not going to lie to you because you’d see right through it, but I really don’t see you as college bound.”

Justin sighed. “I never really thought about it before because I didn’t believe I’d have the strength, the patience, or the heart to stay in one place for so long. I’m use to running –that’s all I’ve known— but Brian showed me that it’s okay to stick around. It’s okay to have relationships with people because those ties will be with you always. I never thought about that before, and I’m kind of liking the fact that I do now.”

“Well, have you taken your SAT’s because that’s a immense component of getting accepted?” 

“Things get a little complicated there.” Justin admitted. “Okay, I took them and received a 1500, but that wasn’t the me that you know. That was somebody else.”

“Somebody else?” Ben was rightfully confused. “Did you have somebody take the test for you?”

“No, no, no! I took it, but there was an accident.” He trailed off, knowing that he would most likely have to tell the whole story and he didn’t want to do that. It had been hard enough telling Brian and trusting Brian, but to tell Ben was something he hadn’t even thought about. He didn’t want to open that Pandora’s box full of questions and sideways glances. “This wasn’t a good idea.”

“Justin.” Ben started. “If there’s something wrong then I’d be happy to do whatever I can to help, but you have to trust me.”

There was that word again, trust. He hadn’t had it for so long and suddenly everyone wanted it from him. “I’m fine.” Justin murmured before dashing out of the office and down the hall. He leaned against the stair railing to catch his breath before running to the diner.


	13. So Much Left to Learn

Thanks CuJo...even if you don't always understand what's going on inside this head of mine...you're the best beta evah!

* * *

The diner wasn’t as busy as usual, which Justin appreciated because it meant he wouldn’t have to deal with the usual catcalls and remarks he had grown accustomed to. He scanned the room and sighed happily when he didn’t see any signs of the boisterous, red wig wearing, pseudo-mom who was always prowling for her cubs. Justin slid into the nearest booth he could find and waited until one of the newer waiters came and took his order. Ten minutes later, the food arrived and Justin munched absentmindedly. It wasn’t until he heard the ding of the bell above the door that he realized his food was only half-eaten and cold. 

“Sunshine!” Justin winced when he heard the all too familiar voice. 

“Deb.” Justin groaned and slid his plate to the other side of the booth.

“Whatcha doing, kiddo? You don’t work today.”

“I know.” He motioned for her to sit. “I needed some air and this seemed like the place to come.”

“Oh, shit.” Deb grew serious and narrowed her eyes. Justin was familiar with the scrutiny and knew that questions weren’t far behind. “What’s going on? You can tell me.”

Justin laughed to himself. “Life’s complicated right now, and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it.”

“Well, if that ain’t the truth. Life’s always complicated, Sunshine.”

“I mean more so than usual. I went and talked to Ben today about enrolling in college.” He stopped when he saw the smile spread across her face. “I haven’t committed to anything, yet. I don’t know if I want to get a dorm or stay with Brian, I don’t even know how long he’ll want me there. Don’t get me wrong, Brian and I are well, we’re doing alright, but I don’t want to invade his space, and I don’t want him to invade mine.”

“Sunshine, can I ask you something?”

Justin nodded. 

“Are you happy here? I mean, when you wake up in the morning and you open your eyes, what’s the first feeling you get?”

Justin closed his eyes and tried to picture himself when the alarm rang and he traipsed out of bed, pulled on some clothes after a quickie in the shower, and waited for Brian to take him to school. He frowned because the feeling he got was elated, like soaring above the clouds, and that scared him. He’d never had that feeling before and didn’t know how to deal with it. He had told Brian everything about the accident, but the man didn’t know about his life afterwards. He didn’t know that Justin had had to trick to make ends meet. That he had faint track marks that ran the length of his arms. How long could Brian be kept in the dark, and what would he do if and when he found out?

“Yes.” He stated mournfully. “I am happy here.” 

“Then, you need to take care of yourself first and foremost. If staying here makes you happy than you should stay, don’t let Mr. Wonderful ruin it for you. Vic and I would be glad to have you back in the house if staying with Brian isn’t an option. My brother misses your conversations, you know.” Deb stood and patted Justin’s hand affectionately then proceeded to start her shift. Justin watched her leave, his thoughts ringing through his head. He was happy…here…in this place. This city that he’d been so reluctant to come to in the first place. He grabbed his backpack and rushed out the door. Justin knew what he needed to do and he wanted to get done before Brian got home.   
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Hey, Sunshine.” Brian called from the loft doorway. He had been waiting for this moment all day. Silence was all that welcomed Brian’s call. So, he tried again and was met with the same non-answer. Brian placed his briefcase on the island before making his way towards the bedroom. There wasn’t any sign of Justin in any of the rooms. The boy’s tattered backpack was missing along with his sketchbooks, and Brian didn’t even want to begin to think about what that meant. 

Brian began to think of anything that might give a hint as to where Justin was; he didn’t have to work today, and he shouldn’t be at the school. Brian’s options were seriously limited.

‘Let’s start simple.’ Brian thought scanning the room. ‘At the beginning.’ There weren’t any notes or random pieces of paper, but the answering machine light was blinking. Brian listened as the machine played message after message each meaning nothing to him at the moment. He’d call Mikey back later and fuck the solicitors. He had no desire or reason for a home equity loan. Lindsay’s message, though, was vague enough for him to play it again. 

“Hey, Bri.” Her melancholy voice rang through the loft. “I’ve found something you might have lost. Come on over when you get home from work.” 

Brian decided to do just that; it couldn’t hurt.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“It was supposed to be a surprise.” Justin whispered to Lindsay.

“Honey.” Lindsay began sighing softly. “He was bound to be worried sick about you, and I couldn’t not tell him where you were.” She patted Justin’s shoulder softly. Gus took that moment and started to cry in hunger or sleeplessness, Justin wasn’t quite sure which. He had left the diner and went back to the loft, grabbing his sketchbooks in a hurry. He didn’t mean to worry anybody; he was just caught up in the moment. 

“What do you see in him?” Mel’s voice broke through the blonde’s thoughts bringing him back to the present. 

“Excuse me?”

“Brian? What do you see in him?”

“The sex.” Justin grinned wickedly. “It’s all about the sex.”

“I should’ve known.” Mel sighed. “Nobody sees him the way I do.”

“And what way is that? A scorned lover who thinks a person isn’t allowed to love more than one person?” Justin grew serious, knowing that he’d probably crossed a line that he knew nothing about.

Melanie chuckled and slid next to him on the couch. “He’ll hurt you; he always does. Either intentionally or not, but he does and who will be there to pick up the pieces? Just something to think about.” They sat together in silence, each pondering what the other had said. Justin didn’t understand what it was about these people that made him think so hard. He didn’t know them, but somehow they seemed to think they knew what was best for him. 

“He’s right here.” Lindsay whispered, showing Brian into the living room where Mel and Justin were sitting.

“What are you doing here?”

“It was supposed to be a surprise.” Was all that Justin said. He handed Brian the sketchbook off the coffee table and watched while his lover flipped through and reached the last page. A sketch of Gus. The baby was grinning broadly, nestled between two large hands, which Brian assumed to be his. He’d never gotten anything like this before. 

“So, this is why all your stuff is gone?” Brian questioned, closing the book and placing it back onto the table.

“All my stuff isn’t gone. Just the sketchbooks and my bag.” Justin answered matter-of-factly. ‘The rest is packed up.’ Justin thought. He stood and wiped his hands on his thighs not knowing why he was suddenly so nervous. Maybe it was because he was about to tell Brian something imperative to the furthering of their so-called relationship.

“Whatever.” Brian said, taking Gus from Lindsay. “Are we finished here?” 

Justin grabbed his books and bag and led the way out to the car so that Brian could have some time with his son. While waiting in the jeep, he idly flipped through his sketchbook, which was filled to the brim with charcoal drawings of various things. He’d finally begun to break away from the Brian-mold he’d found himself in, and liked to visit the park to sketch the children that played. Justin shut the book and shoved it into his bag when Brian hopped behind the steering wheel.

“I was going back to the loft, you know. You didn’t have to come and rescue me.” There was slight hostility in Justin’s voice. He didn’t like that Brian may think he wasn’t capable of taking care of himself.

“I wasn’t rescuing you, Sunshine. Don’t flatter yourself.” Brian’s eyes never wavered from the road ahead. “Lindsay merely left a message on my machine that I found interesting and decided to check out.”

Justin didn’t know what to say and so opted not to say anything at all. Instead, the duo road back to the loft in silence. Justin fiddled with the strap on his bag while Brian jerked-off the gearshift. 

“Here, this is yours.” Justin said, thrusting the picture of Gus into Brian’s chest once they were back inside the loft.

“What’s the occasion?” 

“It’s my farewell present.” Justin answered, walking into the bathroom. “I got my check today and it was enough to finish off my payments. I can leave first thing in the morning.”

“You’re not even going to finish school?” 

“The reason being?” Justin hated that Brian just assumed the worst of him and immediately took the defensive.

“We already went through this.” Brian sighed.

“I remember, to make something of myself. Is that what you said?” Justin spun on his heels and faced Brian. “That’s not the life for me. My life was over before it even began.”

“So.” The older man paused. “You’re just going to give up? Abandon everything that you’ve put together and for what? Squatting in abandoned warehouses, sleeping in the streets, and drinking yourself into a stupor?”

“You don’t know anything about that.” Justin hissed. “You wouldn’t want me here if you knew what I went through.”

“And you don’t know anything about me if that’s what you believe.” Brian walked up to the blonde and reached for him. 

Justin flinched and pulled away. “It’s late and I’m tired.”

Brian watched Justin turn and slam the bathroom door. His mouth gaped open and his mind whirled with what had just happened. Did he fuck everything up as usual?


	14. So Much Left to Learn

Thanks so much CJ! You're awesome!

* * *

“He said he’s leaving.” Brian told Mikey the next morning at the diner. 

“Who?”

“Justin. He’s all paid off and he said he wants to leave after school today.”

“So?” Michael was confused, as usual.

”So…” Brian paused. “I thought you’d like to know.”

What the fuck for? Michael thought. It wasn’t like he was attached to the boy. He liked Justin, but who didn’t? There had to be a reason Brian was telling him this, but he just couldn’t put his finger on it.

“Oh. Thanks, I guess.” Michael took a sip from his orange juice. 

“How’s the nutty professor?”

“He’s doing fine, great actually. He’s really excited about the new book he’s writing. I’m just hoping he doesn’t get his hopes up.”

“You’re supposed to have faith in your husband, Mikey.” Brian smirked.

“He’s not my husband and I do. I just don’t want him to get hurt because of something out of his hands. He’s a really good writer, but I’m not quite sure he remembers that all the time.”

“I’m sure you’ll remind him.”

“I should get to work.” Michael stood and slipped on his coat. “See you at Babylon?”

“Probably.” 

Michael walked out of the diner into the crisp air, took a deep breath and headed towards work. The scenario in the diner kept playing through his head on repeat. Brian had called and asked him to be there for breakfast. He claimed they never spent any time together since Brian had made partner. That alone was out of character for the man, but Michael didn’t let it register. Then, that whole thing with Justin leaving. What was that about? If Justin wanted to leave then who was he to stop him? Brian had told him on numerous occasions that the blonde was free to leave whenever he wanted, and that Brian wouldn’t stop him.

“That’s it.” Michael gasped. Brian didn’t want to stop him, but that didn’t mean somebody else couldn’t. That was so Brian; to ask something of somebody without actually asking. Michael turned at the next street towards Justin’s school. He hoped that the kid would be there and hadn’t decided to skip out early.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Daphne and Justin were sitting in the courtyard at school eating lunch and having a quick smoke before it was time to head in for their next class. The snow had melted and there were the makings of spring in the air. The bench that the duo currently occupied was nestled underneath a large, leafless, Sycamore tree. Daphne was listening intently to what Justin was telling her and thought before voicing her opinion. 

“That’s your big plan?” Daphne giggled, shoving Justin on the arm.

“It’s not very good, is it?” Justin frowned.

“No, I think it’s an excellent idea.” She took a drag off the cigarette, careful to blow the smoke away from Justin. “There’s just one problem that I can foresee.”

“And what’s that?”

“Where are you going to live?”

“I’ll figure something out. I always do.” Justin smirked and bit into the veggie wrap on his brown tray. They joked some more until the bell broke through, signaling the end of lunch. Justin grabbed Daphne’s tray and threw the remnants of their meals into the nearby trashcan before heading towards the school doors.

“Justin.” Daphne called grabbing his arm. “I think someone’s here to see you.”

Justin’s heart jumped to his throat at the thought of who it could be, but he was sadly mistaken; it was only Michael.

 

“Hey, Boy Wonder.” Michael called, jogging towards the door. “We need to have a little chat.” He motioned with his head for Justin to sit back down on the bench.

“What’s wrong? Something happen to Brian or Gus? Or Deb?” Justin asked frantically.

“No, they’re all fine. It’s you I’m worried about.”

“I’m excellent.” Justin told him. He glanced back and saw Daphne still standing by the door and gestured for her to go inside. “Did you hear otherwise?”

“I wouldn’t be here if I hadn’t.” Michael took a deep breath and tried to figure out what he was going to ask or say, and he opted for brutal honesty. “Brian said that you’ve decided to leave.”

“Oh…that.” The blonde lowered his head to look at his feet.

“Yeah.” Michael agreed carefully choosing his next words. “Listen, I understand that you’ve had it rough and I’m not gonna say that I understand because I don’t, but you can’t just leave when things get rough. You’ve got to stick it out long enough to figure out what it is you really want.”

”Always the optimist.” Justin whispered.

“I’m just saying that one day you’re going to have no place left to go, and when that day comes, what are you going to do about it?” Michael smiled to himself. 

Justin snorted, trying to hold in his laughter. “Thanks for all that, but if Brian hadn’t jumped to conclusions, I would have told him that I’m moving out of the loft, not the whole city. I talked to Lindsay and my art teacher and they said that I’d make an excellent candidate for PIFA.”

“You’re going to school?” Michael interrupted.

“I can’t keep mooching off Brian and expect to get anywhere in life. I’ve got to make my own way, and I think that I can do that with art. I can stay with your mom or in an apartment.”

“Shit.”

“That’s all you’ve got to say?”

“Damn, I thought I was finally rid of you.” Michael grinned and stood up shoving his hands in his pocket. “I’m glad to hear you’re not leaving, but now I’ve made you late for class and I’m late for work.”

“Really, though, thanks for coming down here. It’s nice…to have someone care.” Justin turned and made his way for the door, stopping when he heard his name being called. He cocked his head and raised an eyebrow at Michael.

“You should talk to him and tell him. He’d like to know.” Michael turned and kicked at a rock on the ground before walking to work.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin lugged his duffel bag down the stairs from the bedroom and dropped it next to his other things by the loft door. He had wanted to, but didn’t succeed in getting everything gone before Brian had gotten home. Staying later at the diner had sounded like a good idea, but in all actuality ended up not being worth it. As soon as Brian entered the loft, Justin immediately took the defensive.

“I don’t want to fight with you.” Brian yelled in frustration. 

“Then don’t.” Justin hissed as he tossed his remaining school supplies into his backpack. He zipped the bag closed and tossed it over his shoulder, giving Brian a sideways glance on his way towards the bedroom. 

“First, you tell me you’re leaving because your debt’s all paid, and now you’re telling me that you’re applying to colleges and that you’ll be staying with Deb. Why not just stay here?”

“I just can’t.” Justin answered truthfully because he really didn’t know why he felt like he had to leave. Brian had given him no indication of wanting the loft to himself, but he’d also not given any indication that he wanted Justin there. 

“Fine.” Brian growled grabbing his leather jacket. “You go and do whatever the fuck you want. I’ll be at Woody’s.”

Justin watched him leave not quite sure what had just happened. He grabbed his duffle bag by the door and slung it over his shoulder with his backpack and set the alarm before taking one final look around the loft. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“I take it you heard he’s not leaving.” Brian slurred into his beer. Michael winced at the all too familiar scene before him. Brian high on E and alcohol with his best friend left to pick up the pieces. 

“Don’t do this to yourself.”

“It’s nothing you haven’t seen before.”

Michael nodded his head sadly at the all-true statement. Just because it wasn’t new didn’t mean that he wanted to get used to it. He hated seeing his friend putting himself through that, even if it meant he got to play the hero every now and again. Sadly, he was the hero at Brian’s emotional, physical, and mental expense. 

“If you want him back then you’re going to have to tell him.”

“Who said I wanted him back? In fact, who said that I wanted him in the first place?”

“All I’m saying…” Michael trailed off. “He’s doing fine staying at Mom’s, you know. He’s happy.”

“He deserves it.”

“Yeah, he does.” And so do you. “I can tell he misses you.”

“He knows where the loft is.” Brian told him, taking a drink.

“You can be so frustrating at times. He needs to know that you care! If you ever cared at all!” Michael stared at his friend. “He’s a kid, Bri, and for some reason that I’m sure you know about, he’s had to grow up faster than a normal teenager. Even so, he’s hurting and he thinks you’ll push him away and to not get hurt, he pushed you away first. You’ve got to show him that he wasn’t right, that you wouldn’t have pushed.”

Brian slid the beer away and rested his chin on his hands. Michael was right, which was a rarity, but when it happened watch out. As much as he wanted to deny it, not having Justin around for the last few days was wreaking havoc on him. He hated the feeling of cold sheets in the middle of the night. The loft felt bare without all Justin’s shit to clutter it up, and the fridge was stocked full of food that Brian would never eat. He couldn’t let it go to waste now, could he?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“Sunshine.” Deb whispered softly the next day at the diner as she placed a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Take it one day at a time, honey.”

“I’m fine.” He reassured her. She knew full well that he wasn’t, but she couldn’t argue with him the way she could with Michael. Justin stuck by his convictions and was hard-pressed to admit when he was wrong. Debbie watched the blonde grab the towel and clean off the table formerly occupied by a couple of college kids. As he wiped down the table, Justin heard the ring of the bell above the door, and felt the all too familiar gaze of Brian Kinney. 

“You work too hard.”

“I can handle myself.” Justin said replacing the ketchup container in the metal rack. When he finished, he turned and found Brian standing directly behind him. His eyes were glazed and a bit puffy. He’d obviously been drinking the night before. “You look like shit.”

“Not one of my favorite greetings.”

“You don’t like liars.” Justin stated and Brian nodded. “What brings you here? You should be working.”

“And you should be in school, so I guess we’re even.”

“Don’t start.” Justin hissed through gritted teeth. “Not here.”

“I wasn’t planning on it.” Brian hadn’t come here to start a fight, quite the opposite actually. “I needed to ask you something.”

Justin looked towards Deb and she nodded her head slightly. He slid into a booth and waited for Brian to follow suit. “What’s that?”

“Hypothetically speaking, if I asked you to come back to the loft, would you?”

Justin grinned to himself careful to not show his happiness at Brian’s subtle question. “Hypothetically speaking?” Brian nodded. “Would there be a reason behind it?”

Shit. “A hypothetical one, of course.”

“Of course.” Justin smirked. “There’s a possibility, but that’s only a hypothetical situation.” Justin grabbed his rag and continued back to work, smiling the entire time.

Brian put on his sunglasses and walked out of the diner. Though he was pissed that Justin had known what he was doing and still expected more from him, he couldn’t help but smile as he watched Justin float through the diner. He’d made Justin feel that way; he’d put the smile on Sunshine’s face. It was a good feeling.


	15. So Much Left to Learn

Thanks CuJo...without you the boys do some pretty wierd stuff.

* * *

Justin sat in Michael’s old room, in a chair, by the window, watching the rain cascade down. He missed being able to watch the city from the picture window at Brian’s. This just wasn’t the best replacement. Downstairs he could hear the remnants of Vic and Deb’s after-dinner conversation. He had eaten and then gloomily retreated claiming to have homework that he needed to work on. What he really wanted was to be at the loft in Brian’s arms, listening to the rain tapping on the picture windows. 

Justin let his mind wander to the feel of Brian’s lips on his, so soft and inviting. He could hear the moans that escaped from his throat whenever Brian’s tongue deftly flicked over the hollow of his throat. Justin stood and walked over to the bed, the feeling of Brian riding over him. He lay on the bed, his hand wandering over his now hard cock. God, he needed release. It’d been too long since he’d last felt that needed pleasure of a mouth on his dick. Though he knew Deb and Vic were downstairs, Justin didn’t take the time to care. Instead, he unbuttoned his pants and let his hand run over his leaking slit. His eyes closed, his fist around himself, all he could think of was Brian. How’d he let this man get so close to him? His actions quickened and he felt the telltale signs, he grasped the comforter with his free hand, and stifled his moans when he felt his balls tighten and the hot liquid slide down his palm and the back of his hand. As much as he hated to admit it, it just wasn’t the same. Never as satisfying.

Meanwhile, downstairs Deb and Vic sat at the table immersed in a conversation about the teen and his lover. 

“I just don’t know what goes through his head. I can read my boys pretty well, but not him. Just when I think that Justin has it all figured out, he decides to change and run in the other direction.”

“I know, Sis.” Vic replied. “That’s what makes him who he is.”

“It worries me.” Deb shook her head and twined her fingers. “He barely eats, he mopes wherever he goes: the diner, school, here, and whenever Brian walks in the room-“

“Then be worried, but Justin’s a big boy; he can make his own decisions.” Vic interrupted.

“I thought he already made that decision, and we both agreed it was the wrong one.”

“Just because we know that what he’s doing isn’t what he _should_ be doing, doesn’t mean that you can butt in. Look at it from his view; he’s 17 and alone. He’s been alone for only God knows how long and he probably assumes that he’ll be alone, again. He has no family…” Vic rolled his eyes at the look Deb gave him. “Biologically, that is, and nobody he’s been close with. At present, he’s got a lot of people that care about him, and want him to be healthy and safe. He’s probably scared shitless that he’s going to wake up and discover we were all a dream.”

Deb nodded her head. “And there’s Brian.”

Vic grinned. “Justin’s probably has the same philosophies that Brian has, or had, until they met each other. You’ve seen them at dinners here and at the diner. They’re happy, smiling, laughing, and together, which is probably not what either of them planned. We know that Brian is as stubborn as a mule and will never admit that he has any feelings towards the boy, but I don’t think that Justin is that jaded or cynical, yet.” 

“But what can we do?” Deb questioned, always the problem fixer.

“ _We_? _We_ do nothing. _You_ do nothing. Let Justin handle this his own way because he needs to figure it out for himself. _We_ can’t push him into something he’s not ready for and can’t handle. _We_ wait and _he’ll_ make the right decision, in his own time.” Vic pushed his chair away from the table.

“And what if he does make that decision, but it’s too late and Brian doesn’t want him?”

Vic wiped his hands on his pants. “Then he’ll have two sets of arms to comfort him, but I don’t see that happening, do you?” He stood and walked into the living room, signaling the end of the conversation.

This is ridiculous, Justin thought, buttoning his jeans. He had left the loft to get away from Brian, to find out who he was now, but all Justin could think about was him. The way he looked, the way he moved, and the way he talked. How when Brian stirred his coffee, he always tapped the spoon on the edge of the cup, twice. How even though Brian complained about Michael’s incessant whining, if given the choice he wouldn’t have it any other way. Or the fact that Brian was a damn good dad when he needed to be even if he didn’t have any good influences growing up. Justin especially thought about how Brian had taken in a sick and broken twink without so much as a complaint. He’d helped Justin get into school, helped discover his talent for drawing, and without asking for anything in return. 

“Yup.” Justin sighed. “I fucked up.” Ignoring the torrent outside, the boy grabbed his jean jacket and raced down the stairs and through the door with a quick “Goodbye” and “I’ll explain later” to Deb and Vic. He knew now where he needed to be and it wasn’t alone in somebody’s old room. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin wiped the rain off his face with the sleeve of his jacket. He didn’t know why he bothered, it was thoroughly soaked from the hail sized drops that poured down. Justin had been walking for about almost an hour, just trying to clear the thoughts that swam through his head.

Justin wasn’t quite sure when he had started to have these feelings for Brian. The thing was, he had asked himself when things had changed, but never came up with the right answer. He didn’t know when Brian’s incessant wheeze had gone from annoying to slightly calming over night. It wasn’t obvious like a hurricane or an earthquake, but something subtle and slow. 

Justin remembered waking up one morning before the alarm clock buzzed and turning to find Brian still asleep. He had looked so peaceful and innocent that Justin tried everything in his power not to disturb him, so that he could memorize the expression on Brian’s face, but the alarm rang and Brian awoke.

That’s the Brian that Justin had feelings for, maybe even loved, he wasn’t sure. It wasn’t that he didn’t care for all of Brian, but there was the side that only Justin saw that he liked the most. The side that allowed an arm to snake over Justin and hold him close during the night. It was while sleeping that that side appeared. The awake Brian would have flippant and snide remarks for his actions. Everything was always sarcastic. 

That’s the side that Justin was scared to love because he never knew when Brian would toss out a remark that could ruin him forever. That side was damaged, and cynical, and jaded from childhood. It was dangerous and frightening, but it was still a part of Brian whom Justin cared for deeply.

Not to say that when cognitive, Brian was a complete ass. He wasn’t, most of the time, in fact he had bought Justin his CD player for Christmas, clothed him for school, and taken care of Justin when he was sick. No, not all of Brian was bad or cruel, just the scared part. 

The rain dripped from tip of Justin’s hair onto the bridge of his nose. It was cold even with the change of seasons, and Justin could feel the goose bumps on his arms and the shivers in his skin. Though it wasn’t a long walk from Deb’s to Liberty Ave., but it was a good distance from Deb’s to Liberty to Brian’s loft. Which he was climbing the steps towards right now. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Brian was at his computer, measuring tape in hand, trying to pass the time until his latest trick got there. He would have gone to Babylon or Woody’s, but he didn’t want to bother in the rain. It’d most likely be a slow night at either of those places, anyway. Instead, he had opted for a nice, quick fuck in the comfort of his own home. The buzzer by his door rang, so he got up and pushed the button to let the man in. Less than a minute later the knock on the door signaled his great night was about to begin. Brian slid open the door and welcomed the man in. 

“Bedroom’s that way.” Brian drawled pointing towards the faint blue light. The trick was definitely hot –Brian wouldn’t have it any other way—with dark hair, sexy, bedroom eyes, and lush lips. He didn’t have a great ass though, which pissed Brian off because he’d been hard-pressed to find a bubble butt that could match Justin’s. Lost in thought, Brian slid the loft door closed and heard a piercing yelp. 

“Jesus!” Tall, dark, and handsome called from the bedroom. 

“What the fuck?” Brian questioned, opening the door.

“Brian.” Justin whimpered, cradling his left hand against his chest. 

“Oh, shit!” Brian realized what had happened. “Justin, oh shit.”

“Way to go, ya ass!” Justin scolded as tears rolled from his blue eyes. He didn’t dare look at his hand for fear of what he’d see, but he whispered a silent ‘Thank You’ that it hadn’t been his other hand, his drawing hand. Brian shook his head and ushered the boy inside. The blonde was soaked from head to foot; he’d obviously walked all the way to the loft. Brian sat Justin on the couch and wrapped a blanket over his shoulders then grabbed a bag and threw some ice from the freezer into it. Gingerly, Justin offered his battered hand to Brian, averting his eyes and tried his best not to cry. Two of his fingers were bruised and swollen, but there wasn’t much blood and they didn’t seem to be broken. 

“Who the fuck is he?” 

The trick. Brian had forgotten about him the minute he saw Justin at the door. That had never happened before. 

“I’m a friend.” Justin smiled meagerly. He should have known that the man he’d followed in the building was Brian’s next trick. Though it bothered him somewhat, Justin knew Brian long enough to know he’d never stop tricking. It was about control and power, both of which Brian needed to be reassured about daily. 

“Bit young, aren’t you?”

“Maybe for you.” He smirked. Justin turned his attention back to Brian and his hand. 

“Why don’t you get the fuck out? And shut the door behind you.” Brian ordered, not looking up from his current task. “Carefully.”

The man grumbled something about Brian being an “inconsiderate asshole” and “wasting his time” as he slammed the loft door closed. 

Justin laughed. “What’s the diagnosis, doc?”

“We’ll wrap your hand and put some ice on it. I don’t think there’s anything broken.” Brian went into the bathroom and retrieved an ace bandage. When he returned he handed Justin a bottle of Tylenol. “What the hell were you thinking?”

“I thought you saw me. I didn’t realize you were..involved..at the time.”

“You should have said something. I could have seriously hurt you.”

“You aren’t that strong.” Justin said facetiously.

Brian smiled and mumbled something as he reached for Justin’s injured hand.

“Say what?”

“Why are you here?” Brian repeated, wrapping the beige cloth around the ice to hold it on Justin’s bruised fingers, careful to not cause further damage to the boy. “I thought you were done with us…with me.”

“I…” Justin searched through the thesaurus in his brain trying to find the right word for his change of mind. “I was watching the rain falling from the sky and all I could feel was you. All I wanted was to have your arms around me with the rain in the background.” He knew he was being sentimental, but he didn’t care. If Brian was going to accept him then he was going to have to accept all of him, even the sentimental lesbian part.

“Justin.” Brian lowered his head.

“Let me finish, I don’t know what’s going to happen in the next four years, but I want to be with you through all of it. I want to wake up in your arms and start my day by seeing your face, and it’s taken me a long time to admit that to myself let alone to you. If that’s not something that you can handle then I’ve gotta know now before I am too deep into this.” Yeah, like that hadn’t already happened.

Brian didn’t say anything, just nodded and finished wrapping the bandage around Justin’s wrist. What was he supposed to say? Justin already knew that he was welcome in his home as well as his heart. What good would it do to voice it? Brian cleared his throat and stood up, grinning. “And this couldn’t have waited until it stopped raining?” 

“You shit!” Justin smirked, tossing the blanket off his shoulders and catching Brian’s lips in an intense kiss. This was exactly where he needed to be.


	16. So Much Left to Learn

Author's note: Sorry it took so long to get this up. Writer's block ya know...Thanks CJ for the help!

* * *

Justin moaned stuck in a waking sleep. The dream he was in felt almost real. He didn’t want to open his eyes and as such his other senses were overloaded. He could feel every breeze that flowed over his naked form, every flick and lick of Brian’s moist tongue, and every shift of the bed as Brian moved. His cock told him to open his eyes so that he could see the masterful mouth that was moving along it’s length, but his head told him if he opened them he would see only blackness and hear only a soft wheeze. So, he kept them closed and reveled in the feelings he imagined.

Brian looked up and smirked at the lazy smile that played across Justin’s face. Trailing kisses along Justin’s naked form until he reached the boy’s neck, Brian reveled in every whimper that he solicited. 

“Wake up, Sunshine.” Brian moaned into the blonde’s ear. He nipped at the lobe and blew softly causing tiny goose bumps to appear along Justin’s skin. The blond stirred softly and opened one eye.

“Dreams are so real.” Justin murmured and closed his eye again. Brian laughed and continued with trying to wake the sleeping boy. He flicked his tongue across Justin’s parted lips causing them to open wider so that he could catch the waiting mouth with his own. 

“Morning.” Brian whispered when they parted and saw both of Justin’s eyes wide and gleaming.

“I thought you were a dream.” Justin grinned his voice rough and filled with sleep.

“Oh, I am.” Brian grinned and slipped a hand under the blanket. Justin moaned and moved closer to his older lover. He was more than happy and he was back where he needed to be, but for now he pushed those thoughts out of his head. He wanted to concentrate fully on the body in front of him.

“Need some help?” Justin whispered barely audible and pulled the covers from Brian’s stealth figure to reveal his solid erection. It was Justin’s turn to follow along Brian’s naked body leaving a wet trail behind. When the blond reached his destination, Brian moaned softly. Brian raised his head from the pillow and watched Justin’s mouth expertly engulf his prick. Justin slid his tongue along the underside, and greedily lapped at the head. It wasn’t long before Brian shuddered with his orgasm and grasped the blond head, which was happily cleaning the mess. The blonde was an expert in giving head.

“Never better.” Brian smiled and placed a soft kiss on Justin’s forehead before reciprocating the morning’s activity. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

“What the fuck happened to your hand?” Deb called when Justin walked into the diner for his shift. “And where the fuck did you go last night? And why the fuck are you late?”

Justin rolled his eyes and answered her questions with one simple sentence. “Brian shut it in his door.”

Deb eyed him, scanning his face for the answer she wanted. “And what does that mean, exactly?”

“It means.” He smiled slyly. “Whatever you want it to mean.”

Deb’s smile widened as she grabbed Justin in a tight grip. “My babies are back together!” 

“Let him breathe, Deb.” 

Justin recognized the voice and smiled inwardly, but Deb wasn’t going to let the speaker off that easily.

“You shit!” She marched over and swatted Brian on the arm. “You keep him up all night doing God knows what, causing him to be late, and worry the shit out of Vic and me. Not to mention you slammed poor Sunshine’s hand in the fucking door. What the hell were you thinking?”

“I was thinking about a great ass.” Brian answered truthfully.

“You always are.” Deb huffed and shook her head. “I guess that doesn’t matter now as long as you guys are happy.”

“We’re alright.” Brian answered a slight smile in his hazel eyes. Justin caught it and smiled back.

 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The weather was getting warmer. The snow had long ago melted away and left lush, green grass in its place. Justin liked the shade much better than the stark white. It was the artist in him, he assumed. He always seemed to be drawn to things pulsating with life and rich in color. Justin bit into his veggie wrap and stared straight ahead. Daphne could tell that something was bothering, but wasn’t quite sure what.

“How are things?” His friend asked, concern written all over her face.

“Depends.”

“On what?”

“On what ‘things’ you’re referring to.” 

Daphne paused and thought for a moment. It’d been two weeks since Brian had returned to Justin’s life, and she’d never seen her friend happier. That couldn’t have been it because Justin acted differently when Brian was involved. No, things were good in that area. She decided to try it out anyway and see where it got her.

“It’s not Brian…”

Justin looked straight ahead, but Daphne glimpsed the corner of his mouth turn up in a sly smile. “No.” He took a bite of his wrap. “Brian’s just fine.”

She sighed, and racked her brain for any clue. Justin, obviously, wasn’t going to tell her what was bothering him. She’d just have to figure it out for herself. 

The bell rang and the duo stood and stretched before heading into the building. Justin followed Daphne towards her locker and waited while she gathered her physics book. He wasn’t in that class, thank God. 

“Meet me after class?” Daphne questioned.

Justin nodded his head and walked down the hallway towards his class. It wasn’t until he knew that Daphne couldn’t see him, did he choose to amend his path and head for a different destination. Soon he found himself outside, again. It was too stifling in the old building and it gave him a headache. He had the better part of an hour to kill before he’d have to meet Daphne. If it weren’t for the fact that she would kick his ass, he wouldn’t go back. Not this week. Not this month. 

The blond pulled a packet of Marlboro’s from his jacket pocket, grabbed his lighter, and inhaled deeply. He loved the feeling, reveled in it, and knew that it was only surpassed by Brian’s mouth on his dick. Once upon a time the boy would long for a quick fix of something harder, but those days were gone. He hoped. The problem with being an addict was the pure fact that the craving was always there, just over the horizon and any mishap, any smell, taste, or touch, could set it off. 

Bad day at work? Get a hit. 

Didn’t catch a cab? Get a hit. 

That was the answer to every problem and Justin knew it all too well. He wanted that hit so bad just then, but knew his craving and the reason behind it would only get worse by the end of the week.

So, he smoked on his cigarette and walked, not going to any place in particular just walked. Occasionally, he would glance at his watch to make sure he wasn’t too far from the school. He watched the green of the grass, the blue of the sky, and listened to the sounds around him. He liked being outside, being one with nature, and missed it even. 

Maybe, he thought, I’ll spend more time with Gus at the park.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Justin was back, leaning against the locker outside of Daphne’s class. He waited for the bell to ring and subsequently the door to open. When that occurred his friend, jovially, pounced on him, catching him in a massive bear hug. Around them students filed towards their lockers to retrieve their coats and books then head home for the day. 

“What’s all this about?”

“I figured it out. I know why you’re so fucking depressed, though I have no idea why.”

Justin tried to act nonchalant, but didn’t know if his mask was that good. “And what did you ascertain, Nancy Drew?”

Daphne stuck her tongue out and giggled. “Your birthday. It’s your birthday soon, isn’t it?”

Justin’s eyes widened and he quickly turned away, afraid that Daphne would see the fear on his face. Turning back around he smiled weakly. “And how did you figure this out?”

“Duh! It’s on your driver’s license, silly. Remember, you had me make a copy so I could get your fake ID for Babylon?”

Justin laughed and attempted to brush her off, but it didn’t work. If Daphne figured it out, did that mean others could as well?

“So, how are you going to spend your big day?”

The blond turned serious and stared at his friend. “I’m not and nobody else knows.” His eyes pleaded with her. “Daphne, don’t tell anybody else. Promise?”

She caught the look in his eye and knew that he was serious. “I promise.”

Justin turned and raced out of the school. He didn’t know where he was going, but he’d figure it out.


End file.
